so, i fell in love with a boy who has been in my life for 5 years now. a year ago, i found out he had a new love. because we were having problems we’d been unofficial for 3 years - they are 500% official. it was clear though, that we were still exclusive despite being unofficial. i suppose a secret relationship to him meant a separate life, and that the life without me deserved more love. in other words, he wanted me to be his only, but wanted someone else to share his life with.
i believe i have loved him to the best that i can. it may not have been the ‘best’ or the best for him. i remoulded myself into the characteristics he said he wanted, but while they were for my better, that i needed to meant i wasn’t right and i wasn’t enough. still i believe that we can/should budge to become better people for our loved ones, and i did my best to ignore that there was zero tolerance, zero acceptance for me.
things i go over everyday is how much further they’ve come then we could in 5 times the time. how he’s proud of her for who she is, and welcomes her presence with his family. he goes the extra miles i gave but never got back. what saw through his bedroom window. i see that everyday in my head.
we haven’t quite parted ways yet, and he’s told me throughout that he did not love her. that he is confused and is waiting for things to work themselves out. but through it all, his actions have only been working towards their future. he lied about loving me, about me being his home. about making things up to me. about leaving her. about many things, everything.
i know that i should not compare myself against her, she is simply a different person. we cannot choose who we love or who loves us. but how can i not compare? from skin to features, to her voice and the way she smiles. and of course i imagine she’s a wonder; balanced, exciting, adorable, smart, funny, kind, hot in bed. everything perfect that there is. i feel terribly small. and after 3 bad bad years, everyone around me only gets angry if i so much as mention his name, it is so lonely. i know i must walk away. he has ‘chosen’ (he didn’t need to choose, i was never an option).
but i truly love him, and i meant it when i said “no matter what” the years ago he asked if i would love him always. now he is a stranger, a ghost, a symbol of death. of course i don’t like him at all, but i love him and i still can’t turn away.
but it doesn’t matter that i can’t, because he recently returned from a holiday abroad with her and he’s finally turning away himself.
real love doesn’t end, and i will always be there for him. a million of you will tell me i’m foolish, but i know i’m not the only one. and i am embarrassed, knowing that others carry greater pains, thinking that i’m terribly hurt.
love is simple and its awfully complicated. love just is, and love is not in our control a lot. i am a puppet on a string, but i am so grateful to have learnt love. felt love. even if i have never been loved.
dear best friend, i am happy for you and i wish you all the best in everything you do and that comes your way. god bless, godspeed.