My First Love.
This is my side of our story. I miss you so fucking much. You see that smile? i miss it; the genuine smile on your face from laughing or just seeing you smile in general everyday makes me smile. I remember during this picture, we were laughing as the picture was being taken but that’s what i like about this photo. It sums up the fact that we were happy, comfortable, and still had romance involved. I don’t even see you anymore. I want to see you after school the way we used to, coming to your house after school just chillin` on your couch doing absolutely nothing or eating, while your parents were on the other side.
Ever since our break up, i shouldn’t have done what i did. I didn’t chase after you the way i used to. Why? i thought it’d be best to at least try and let you go so that i couldn’t hurt you anymore and you’d probably be better without me. I have fucked up an innumerable amount of times, and for the most part, about the same shit over and over again, flirting behind your back. I kept thinking to myself, even you said this before each time you took me back, “you keep believing to yourself that you swear you’ve changed, stop making your and me believe that cause every time is the same.” you were right. I non-stop made myself believe i truly changed that i was a different person after each little break, after fucking up each time, but in reality, looking back at it, it was the same thing every single time. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; i’ve always wanted to be the type of boyfriend to stay committed i was so sure i was but it seems like i’m not. I never meant to hurt you, i’ve flirted behind your back because i was stupid and every time i fucked up, it would be for a moment i thought for myself instead of for both of us.
It all comes down to the fact that i should’ve chased you, never even let you go, or gave you the chance to leave. We were so happy whenever we were together, even through our fights, at the end of the day the last wordsalways were “i love you.” right after we said goodnight & sweet dreams. We wouldn’t always have the best days, but knowing we had each other there every single day, to have someone, is what mattered. You were never at fault, it was always you who carried our relationship and always took me back when i would repetitively fuck up. I just miss you so much, everything about you and everything about us.
Proud to say without exaggeration, i think about you every single day definitely more than 1 once.. a lot more than once. There’s just so much reminiscing. I’m always comparing other girls, to you. No one ever could be you or replace you. I’m always thinking about the relationship we had, or should’ve had. I especially miss holding your hand and the happiness we gave each other. Holding your hand.. was and still is everything to me. Your hands are the only hands i want to hold walking down the aisle, or just walking out in public generally. Why is holding hands so important to me? because for the times we held hands I felt safe, that i was never going to lose you and you were never going to leave me. You always had this thing of putting your thumb inside our hands cause it would get cold, lmao.
Why is it you that i still want? because you made me happy. You were & still are everything to me, my everything. I’ve thought about it for so long and i should’ve told you this the day we saw each other for our anniversary, but you’re the only person i know that could keep me happy. Not that “happy” that everyone says they are, but the happy that i know i could feel only if i’m with you or with the fact that i know i still have you. The happy that i know would keep me strong everyday. I don’t know how i’ve done it for so long, keeping this in, not showing emotion towards the break up, not crying everyday when everyday i want to. It surprises me that i was able to do that till the day i cried and was just so angry at myself.
I still want you, need you, miss you, love you, want to marry you. I’m still going to be chasing for you, not matter what anyone else says, it’s you who i want & not them. Were not talking right now, or at least you’re not talking to me. I hit you up everyday, still saying good morning and goodnight, hoping that one day i would get an answer back, lol. I wish i could tell you how much i regret not telling you about how much i wanted you back they day we saw each other for our anniversary. I wish that what happened, didn’t happen, but i couldn’t stop you from the fact you’re single. I regret giving you the chance to go. I want to tell you how much that day changed me, but it’s like the boy who called wolf and you won’t believe me. I don’t know what to do anymore, but i just hope the next move i make won’t piss you off or make you mad but rather happy that i went to this extent, just to talk to you or see you, or even get you back.
It’s so hard not to have you around anymore.