7:59 PM
Many of you will look right past this.
That’s alright.
His name is not important. Although it once was, it is not important anymore. I know we shared a story together though. Some story I’ll be able to look back on when I’m in my attic, 70 years old, flipping through the pages of my life. Some story I’ll be able to chuckle at when my daughter cries over that silly boy that can’t seem to notice her at school. It may not be an important story, but it’s a big story.
This isn’t a typical love story. Not where the nerd finds the quarterback of the football team and although they thought they’d never end up together, eventually, they do. I was never with him. And I don’t know if that is a satisfaction to me or still a burning desire. I’m unsure. And I’m still unsure of a lot of things.
Story starts at the beginnning of a school year, rewind two years back. As fresh Autumn leaves and bitter days approached, I was still in a new excited world, not knowing anything that was coming for me. I don’t know if I knew anything at all. Well here, this part of the story I guess it’s sort of cliche, but he was the “cool” kid. His ever-present smile lit up the faces around him, his bright aquamarine eyes were so easy to get lost in. I remember one class, we had been chosen partners to form a dance routine together because it was 50’s day. Out of all the people in the class, I ended up with him. For me, he never caught my eye, no matter how many beautiful girls surrounded him everyday. He chuckled as he took my hand and we twirled and danced across the room. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life.
And when I think of that day I always think of the line, “I remember what you wore on the first day, you came into my life and I felt hey, you know, this could be something.” I had no idea what was in store for me.
Although I had no existance in his life until late winter, I still thought of him a lot between that gap of lost time. Did those silly little boy-crush things, doodle his name on my notebook and nearly faint even when he looked at me. Felt like I was in Kindergarten again. Having those little puppy-love crushes. But time caught up and I grew up real fast. Things were getting complicated.
When I first began to talk to him, he was still just getting out of a relationship. He still loved her very much. He always talked about how he was so in love with her as my heart dropped and I rolled my eyes pretending it didn’t bother me. Every single word was like a knife slitting my heart at the slowest pace possible.
My friends, everyone around us always told us that we should be together. Someone always wondered if we were together. We would both smile and shake our heads, “Nah, we’re just friends.” But my heart was a little more and more crushed everytime I had to say those three words.
My memory’s a little vague at times because I had tried so hard to shake everything off of me. But for some reason it’s like I can still see everything and almost touch the vivid memories like it was yesterday. I can go back to every conversation and recite word by word like a song lyrics. I knew so much about him. I could tell you his favorite number, his favorite color. His favorite sport and why. His favorite shirt or sweatshirt or shoes to wear. Every little detail I always kept track of. I knew what pestered him the most. His greatest fears. I knew what hurt him and what made him happy. I knew it all. I was the one that watched and made sure he didn’t fall. I was the one that stayed up listening to endless things he had to say. Get up at midnight to give him the answers to the homework. Also cliche. But I’ve never given so much to a single person. I gave myself entirely just for him. I’m not sure if he kept track of me, now that I come to think of it, he probably doesn’t even know my favorite color, but that’s alright.
This part of the story was really, very good. As he began to get over that one girl that had left a mark on his heart for so long, he turned to me. Not as a second choice. I remember one night we had been talking on the phone, and instead of the usual tapping I heard in my ear from him texting her and talking to me simultaneously, he talked the whole way through. And I asked why, just out of curiosity. “I told her I had to go.” But why would he do that? He never told her he had to go before when he was on the phone with me. “Because I just want to talk to you.” It went like that for quite some time, him slowly letting go of his past and trying his hardest to keep his head up. And I was always right next to him, by his side, holding his hand whenever he needed me.
But this part gets very, very bad. Our school had held a final dance to culminate the end of the school year. I now am closing my eyes and thinking back to that night and I still make a face of disgust. A face of regret. I can just see his hands on her body all night. In the darkness as the DJ blasted that radio. I knew it wasn’t his fault but I guess I blamed it all on him. Everywhere I’m lookin’ now, I’m surrounded by your embrace, baby I can see your halo, you know it’s my saving grace… “Do…you…want to dance with me?” He whispered. I looked up at him, my eyes filled with hurt. I wrapped my hands around his neck and forced a smile as he placed his hand on my waste. I stared at him for a few seconds. No…no…I can’t…this is wrong… “…I can’t do this right now.” And I immediately took my hands off of him and walked off in tears. I look back to that day now and can’t regret anything more.
After that, everything kept falling apart one by one, graudually. I ran from place to place trying to tape and glue everything back together but everything eventually crumbled into pieces like the cookie crumbs on the cafeteria floor.
I was the only one that kept running and trying to fix it.
Now this is where I admit. I’ve never fallen so hard. And might I add, I’ve never hit the ground so hard either.
He was my best friend. He was very much my best friend. And I was in love with my best friend. We always talked but there’s always a catch. We fought so much, I tore myself apart staying up crying wishing I had never said this, never said that. Our friendship used to be so strong and now it’s shattered on the floor and I couldn’t do anything about it. It’s like seeing a puzzle you just want to put back together but you’re missing so many pieces it’s impossible.
At a formal party we both attended, and a slow song came on, we both looked at each other and we both wanted what I had walked away from. He took his hand out and asked me to dance and I wrapped my arms around him and it felt like forever as we rocked back and forth with my head on his shoulder. One of the most beautiful moments I’ve ever felt.
But he quickly forgot those late night conversations and singing together with the radio on the phone. He had moved on to another faster than ever. I hated this one. And to this day, I still hate her.
When summer rolled around I had left for a vacation. As I came back from a summer well spent with family and the scorching heat, I came back thinking that I shouldn’t have to deal with someone like him anymore. I had fallen in love with this great person, someone I had envisioned this great future with, and that’s not the right person. I needed to move on. But he spoke first, obviously, and we entered the new school year without having a word the entire summer. Never did he once call or text as I spent the rest of the lazy summer days blasting Taylor Swift and writing in my journal wondering how he’s been doing.
I hated him so much for the first couple of months. I rarely saw him, I walked right past him in the hallways acting as if nothing had ever happened between us. It was hard, but I spent most of the year not even looking at him. I spent five months crying myself to sleep. Five consecutive months. I’ll never go back there. Not even with another guy. I will never make myself so miserable again. Especially over this stupid boy. I suddenly had bad thoughts of running away or self-inflictment and I was in such bad shape. I just wrote all the time and I began to cut the most important people out of my life and blaming everyone for my mistakes. No one ever realized how terribly I had been treating myself so I recieved no help. A few friends here or there would talk me through some things but that never stopped those awful, awful nights screaming and yelling into my pillow, having to hold myself back from hurting myself or someone else. I’m never going back and I know that. I missed him so much. As of now, I have over 30 letters that I’ll never dare send to him tucked on the top of my desk shelf. Writing to him everytime I had to tell him something or when I missed him or when I just wanted to know what he was doing. Doing anything I could, making different pathways in school just so I could walk past him and see him for just three seconds and see if he’s smiling. I would have walked through hell for him, I would have walked in burning flames for him and I don’t think he ever gave a damn.
We began to hang out a lot with a group of friends. And I gave us so many second chances to fix it. Fix something. Anything. Everything. None of those chances were ever taken. We had spent summer nights together walking and looking at the stars, looking at each other wondering what could have ever been. Wondering why it never happened. Looking at each other wishing we could even go back to those happy days when all we did was make fun of each other and laugh about it. Looking back at the days where the sun was always shining because it only pours now. One time, we watched a scary movie and he wrapped his arms around my waist and I put my head on his shoulder. He put his palm on my palm and our fingers interlocked. I had him right there. I could have turned around and kissed him. But I didn’t because I knew it wouldn’t have taken us anywhere. Another time he held me in his arms as we sat on the lawn chair, talking, catching up. That warm summer night gives me so much to remember.
I had spent so many days thinking of us always holding hands in the halls and hearing our friends tease us, I had saw my life with him ahead of me. At least part of my life. I imagined his kisses and his smiles and his Valentines’ day gifts and our anniverseries. I had thought up of so many things that I saw way ahead of me. I guess those dreams are all thrown away now.
These days all I know is that he’s been playing girls, trying to get to as many as he could to get with him. He is nothing like the person I once knew. The sweet and laid-back one, the one that would give you half of his heart to keep. Nothing like the person that used to tell me how special I was…or how beautiful he thought my voice was…not the person that knew what he had when he had it. He’s become someone who sets his expectations higher everytime and keeps pushing people down so he can feel better about himself.
So I guess it’s time for me to end the story. I’m not satsified with how it ends and I know not many people will be. People change. People always let you down. He’s taught me so many things that I’ll keep with me. He’s changed a human being even if he didn’t know it. I’ll remember the pain but oh. I hope that the same things that remind me of him will remind him of me. Our favorite song. Those phone calls that went forever, those jokes that I can’t stop smiling at. Everything about our friendship was so beautiful. And those memories will never leave me. And I’ll flip back to those pages if I ever wanted to flash back to the past. Because that’s all I have left.
Just recently on Thanksgiving I sent him a text telling him how much he still means to me and how things will never change but I’m thankful for him. He replied bluntly, “you too.” Well this is the last straw. And I’ve said that so many times, I’ve tried so many things to get over you but this is the final chapter of our story, this is our last page. I don’t want this to be the last page. But there’s a lot of things we wish we could change and this one isn’t ever possible. I love you so much and I always will. Someday maybe when we’re old we’ll see each other at a park or a library, something, I don’t know. And we’ll look at each other and smile because of this story. This right here, this is our story. And I’m sorry that it had to come to an end. But I guess most things come to an end, don’t they. Stay beautiful and be good. I love you.
9:04 PM
November 29, 2010