i left this for someone long ago. he ended up breaking my heart and my spirit, turning me into someone who i did not know, and who i do not like to look back upon. it took me a very long time to realize once again that i had value and that i was worth something. he had planned to propose to me on 10/10/10 at my brother’s wedding. well, my brother’s wedding was beautiful. and i’m happy once again. i couldn’t help but think to myself how different things would be if i were engaged right now and we were still together. for the first time, i can truly say that things have turned out for the best. i looked back at old things i used to write to him, and i found this gem. i forgot i ever wrote it, and i find it to be beautiful. i figured others may enjoy it. through everything, i’m glad that i was able to experience love through him. i know that one day, i’ll be able to feel the way i used to feel once more. i’ve come a long way, and i am proud of myself.
so i’mma let you know how i really feel. i don’t love you. love’s such a made up word. it tries to do too much, encompass too much, and for that, it’s overused, used at the wrong times, not meant. it’s a bullshit word. it’s like, our way of bitching out. we use it because we don’t want to expend the brain power needed to try and describe any of the feelings that occur when we’re in that so-called thing “love”. it’s the path of least resistance. well, it makes sense. when you try and take the hard way, you find it near impossible. how do you begin to describe the warmth of knowing you’re “loved” that engulfs your body from your head down to your shoulders, traveling all the way to your fingertips, retracing itself to your gut, lurching, to the knees, shaking, to the toes, curling? describing it sounds simply ridiculous, humorous even, and nothing at all like how it feels. so i get it. this “love” copout. feelings are meant to be felt, not described. it’s, there just aren’t words for it. maybe other languages can do it better, but certainly, this is one of those times where the english language is far too limited. i don’t know where to begin. all that comes to my head are cheesy pop lyrics, greeting card quotes, or movie lines. we’re so accustomed to simply copying the media’s sentiments of love that we no longer know how to describe it ourself; we can’t come up with our own way of putting it. back in the olden days, before tv, before internet, before radio, before mass production, people wrote letters. and these letters were beautiful. these people weren’t copying something they heard in the latest grey’s anatomy episode, they were delving into their minds, racking, pushing the english language to the limits to try and put into words the sensations going on within them. each letter was a new ordeal, each response a new poetic output. sometimes, i long for those times. i wish i had been raised to learn how to properly describe one’s attraction, longing, desire for another, instead of just learning how to appropriate ideas from other sources. flat out plagiarism is all we know these days. what ever happened to creativity? it’s all been done before. novel ideas just don’t seem to exist. i don’t really know where i’m going with this. i think i’m just procrastinating. i started this off by saying that i’m going to let you know how i really feel, and frankly, i don’t know how to do that. i’m so tempted to go open my itunes right now, play a track, copy the chorus, or click a new tab in my browser and search for the best love quotes in movies. but i can’t. that’s not me. it’s not how i feel. sure, it could be similar, but i’m more than likely just adapting my feelings to fit with whatever said quotation states. i sure as hell couldn’t have come up with it on my own. but then the question is, what can i come up with? nothing. i’m ready to throw in the towel right now. i give, return me to my be-“love”-ed splendor and my corny one-liners. i think i’ll have to save attempting this for another time. it’s almost midnight; i have to shower; i have a nine am class. life never gives me a pause. but i’ll just leave with one note. that note is this: i just want you to know that i don’t love you. i won’t send all my loving to you. i don’t wanna make you smile, whenever you’re sad, carry you around when your arthritis is bad. i don’t want to be your last first kiss that you’ll ever have. you’re not my thunder. you didn’t have me at hello. you’re not too good to be true. i wouldn’t walk through hell for you. i didn’t travel half the world to say i belong to you. all of that, it’s bullshit. that’s it. that’s all. just know, i can’t put into words or phrases or synchronize my feelings to a melody. just know the taste of our kiss, the look in my eyes when i look at you, the softness of my hands, the electricity between us when we lay next to one another, the anticipation, the arousal, the longing, the jitters, the desire, the imagining of a future, the intensity, the wordless emotions that travel from you to me and back to you when we spend time together. that’s how i feel about you. that’s the truth. pure, raw, feeling. it’s the only thing you can trust is not taken from another source, or faked. it’s the only thing you can have faith in, you can believe. until i can come up with a better way to put my thoughts into words, that’s what i’m going to leave you with. feeling. sure, i’ll continue to tell you i love you. but just know, it’s a copout. i’m not proud of it, but that’s the way it is. just know how i feel and i’ll be just fine. *shudders*
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