One year. I thought you were gone for one whole year. There are no words for the weight on my chest and the hatred and fear that had installed itself in my soul. I had lost my very reason for exsisting, or so I thought.
Sitting on that parking space, and turning to your voice, changed something in me. For once I wasnt scared. When you spoke my name, recognition flooded through my body and I knew that everything was going to be okay. Everything had to be.
I threw my phone on the ground and stood there for a solid minute, hand over my mouth and tears welling up inside my sockets. You were right in front of me, not in the ground, not in some mythological afterlife, right there. It was after that thought that I realized that I could touch you. That after a year of thinking that you were beyond my fingertips, you came back. You, were right, there.
I barreled into you and you wrapped your arms around me and chuckled. You tried to speak but I told you to ‘shut the hell up’. You did and I stood there in your arms for what seemed like eternity, but was only a short while. I didnt want to leave, but I lifted my head anyways and looked into those deep green eyes. You smiled. I smiled. I hugged you again and everything felt right. It was as if I had been catapulted back to 2008, when we were in that god awful place together. Those nights came back to me so easily.
The rest of the show flew by, I never left your side and I began shaking when you left mine. Every time your hands brushed against my shirt or my jeans or my hair or really anything attached to me, I trembled. I wanted to just fold up into you, and never move again. The feelings of that stay at the hospital with you, started to rediscover themselves in my heart. I became familiar with hope again.
Sleeping next to you that early morning was the best ever. It felt like your body was made for mine to slip next to. Even though I melted on to the floor that night, the feel of your breath on my neck still lingered.
When we both woke up the next morning, something was different. I’m not sure if you felt it too, but I sure as hell did.
The rest of the day was wonderful. Watching movies and beating you up. Turning my nieces on you and you getting stabbed with a fork by an eleven year old. Fading in and out of sleep with your arms around me.
Night came. Our lungs filled up with air and words escaped our mouths faster than ever. Your inked skin pulled me into stories of your life and your thoughts and everything just felt right. You told me how much you wanted to help me, how you remembered how bad things were and how they had gotten before we drifted. In that moment, I released everything that I had been holding in for the past three years. I told you all that had happened, all the wrong I had done and the wrong done to me. You listened. You smoothed my hair out of my face, back behind my ears and every time my voice shook you pulled me closer to your chest. It ended up with me completely folded into your chest cavity and my head balanced on your rib cage. Your heartbeat was the tempo to my thoughts flooding out of my lips. You listened. You just did, to everything that I had to say. Sometimes I didnt make sense at all, other times I would talk in circles. But you didnt leave, you didnt move, you didnt stop listening. All there was to be heard was the ‘thump, thump’ in your chest, the soft swishing of your fingertips brushing my arms, my voice attempting to tell you what no one knows, and our breathing catching up to one anothers.
A few hours pass. We end up in the living room, watching Clue. Were we really watching it? No way. Your hands moved up and down my spine in a way that was only meant to be shared between us. Our breaths became heavy and the moment over took me. I turned to face you and we kissed. When our lips met something in me was lit ablaze. I pulled you so you were on top of me and my shirt was off in seconds. You were so gentle, yet so firm, and it was like nothing I had ever expirianced. I wanted every part of you, I wanted to feel you from the inside out and I wanted this to last forever. My legs on your shoulders, your lips softly grazing my chest. We were on fire; we were unstoppable.
Or so I thought.
Suddenly your face twisted and turned into something other than your own. You were not you, anymore. You were him. I pushed away and memories started coming at me from every direction. Voices were everywhere and I couldnt tell who was what and where was when. I only knew that I had to get away. I pulled myself to the edge and and curled up into myself. I wanted you so bad, every part of you. I couldnt understand what was happening.
You were worried. You were there in seconds, just like that night in 08. Your arms were around me. You kept saying ‘look at me, look at me’. I couldnt bring myself to. There were still distractions and flashbacks. I felt that damn needle in my arm, I felt that damn razor, I felt that fucking piece of shit tossing me around. It was not happening, I think somewhere deep in my very being I knew that. But not then. You pulled me as close as I would let you and dove deep into my mind to try and get the story. I let go of bits and pieces.
Sooner than later, my eyelids were dropping over my glazed over pupils and I fell into sleep. I barely remember getting into bed but I guess I did. When I woke up, you were in the shower and the sound of rushing water put me back into REM. Later I awoke to you getting out. You came into my room and I smiled, and you smiled. And everything was alright.
Thats how things are with you. Alright. Good. Great. Amazing. Wonderful. You are going to help me, and I am going to help you. I dont want you out of my life, ever. Please stay. Thats all Im asking. Stay.
-deadhearts.tumblr.com