My dearest husband (you’re leaving me)
The house was so quiet last night when you went to bed.I tried to ignore it.I probably could have made use of it. Put the TV back on, watched mind numbing shows until I couldnt think for myself anymore.I could have written that letter I have been meaning to write for about a week now.I could have put any number of my favourite bands on.I don’t think that would have disturbed you greatly, would it have?I mean, you listen to me sing like a crazy cat lady all of the time, it would have really mattered, just this once.But I didn’t.Instead, I let the silence dissolve me.I tried to make pin-wheels (for the first time, I did pretty well considering)But I got easily frustrated and I gave up after 5 attempts.I went to bed but I don’t think, no, I know that’s not where I wanted to be.I felt like pacing around our house until I didn’t feel this buzzing anymore.I wanted to walk outside, open up my lungs and breathe…just breathe, cause it feels like I wasn’t trying. But I thought: “hey, I better get use to this then”.
I am writing you this letter, in my journal, in my head, but I dont even know what I want to say.You are the kind of person that wont speak about the elephant in the room. Lately you have been laughing at that elephant, telling me to suck it up.I know you don’t mean it. I know that, but it still stings.At times I wonder if you are still listening.I wonder if you analyse us like I do.I like to view you as my friend but do you view me as a marriage? if so, is that even so bad?
So I guess, really, in writing this, I want to beat the elephant to death cause if you wont, I will have to, for both of us.
Man I am going to miss you. Lately I have been either intentionally or non intentionally (doesn’t it matter the intention? the outcome is the same) distracting myself with other people.You know I am terrible at making friends, but I found a good one this year. A best friend even, and we talk al ot and I really love him.I let him distract me more than I should cause I know you and I don’t have much time left.I am in completely two different minds.I don’t know if you are going to be just as lonely as me when you go, or twice as social.Either way, they both have their down falls.I don’t want you to be lonely but hell, I don’t want you to fall in love with another place.This is our home! Remember that?This town is grotesque. I hate it, I always have but we moved here for us.
This is my elephant my dear”right now I don’t feel 15 anymore. I am not crazy in love with you. I am distracted, life is getting me down, responsibility is not all they crack it up to be. So forgive me.I don’t leave you notes around the house as often. I cant have sex with you 10 times a day.I don’t cry when you are gone, all that often.We don’t dance and play like we use to. I guess that’s ok.But please don’t fall out of love with me.I know we arent kids anymore, but I need you around, alot more than I let on.
I love our Sundays. We don’t have to say alot as we potter around the garden. I know you are silently thinking about me and you know I am silently thinking about a thousand other things, cause that is just me.But please don’t find someone or something that loves you more. I gave you a ring, and a promise and I might not let on but I desperately want to be your wife, 5, 10 years from now.
And please don’t change, when you come home, please don’t smile differently, don’t talk differently. don’t confess anything.Please just be the man I know.
I know all of this is selfish. I hate to ask for more than I give, but I have to now, I just do, or you might never know that I wanted this.
I guess what I am trying to say is, in less than 20 days you are leaving me. for a long time. 6 whole months.And frankly I wish you were staying.I hate being alone, plus I am petrified of the dark.But you have to go, for you, and you deserve that.
But most of all, hell I am going to miss you.You smell and feel like home.We have grown up so much lately, but we don’t have to grow apart.
Oh dear, now I am crying, so I better go.
Just…whatever you do…remember me?
I love you, I have since I was 14 and I will…forever…if you give me the chance.
Your wifey and your goddamn best friend.
by hood-lynch