July 5, 2009
Dear Dave,
For your graduation, I wrote you a letter. In this letter, I reflected on the great times we had as friends. I wrote about how much you helped me through my first two years of high school, and what a great friend you were to me. I wrote a lot. But I guess it’s one of those things where you have to read between the lines. If you were to look for it, I’m sure you’d be able to tell how I really feel about you by reading that letter. I love you. And it’s killing me to not be able to tell you that.
So maybe I’m a coward. I don’t really know what the word is for someone in a situation like this. I mean, I am afraid to tell you the truth. But at the same time, maybe I’m being smart. I’ve told you I liked you in the past, and you rejected me because I was a close friend. Well now we’re even closer friends, and I don’t just like you. It’s grown so much now. But I don’t understand how it’s possible that you don’t know that already. I’m pretty obvious. And yet you still talk to me. So does that mean you feel the same way? I want to tell you, and I want to know how you feel about me. Not knowing is the hardest thing that I go through. If I knew you didn’t care about me, I could move on. But as long as there is that chance that you do… I can’t. And I hate it.
You just confuse me. A lot. You told me once that you think relationships between close friends can only work out after high school. Was that a sign that you thought that about us? Uhg, there are so many questions I have for you, but I can’t ask you. I’m just so scared that you’ll reject me and that I’ll lose you. You really are my best friend. I don’t want you to stop talking to me, but it’s killing me to just be friends. So I’m stuck.
Seriously, not knowing had been affecting me in a very negative way. I can’t even like another guy because I’m just so unsure of what’s going to happen with you. For some reason, I only want you. You’re mean to me, you’re immature, and sometimes you make me cry. But I’ve seen you on other days. I’ve seen you when you were holding back tears. I’ve been there for you when everyone else had other things to worry about. I’ve seen the nice side. The side that helps me with my problems, makes me laugh and lights up my world. The side that will listen to me talk about absolutely nothing for hours, drive me places and laugh at my stupidity. You can alter my bad day just by smiling at me or saying something nice. That’s the Dave I’m in love with. And for that side of you, I’ve overlooked the bad stuff.
You’re weird. You hate talking to people, you won’t go to girl’s houses, and your personality alters daily. It sounds as if you have a disorder. It gets annoying at times, because sometimes you’re really mean to me and I get very upset over it. But part of me is happy that you have this quirky side to you. Because if you didn’t have that side to you, I wouldn’t have excuses to see you sometimes. For example, when you made me cash in your coins for you because you don’t like people, I was happy to do it because I got to see you. It’s kind of pathetic of me.
You make me very self conscious. I used to be so confident. I loved my body and I didn’t care what people thought. Then you came along, and suddenly I found flaw in every part of myself. I felt fat everywhere, all of the time. I’d eat a lot because I was stressed out with everything going on in my life, and then I’d try to make myself throw up because I didn’t want you to stop talking to me. I would cry because I felt as if I wasn’t good enough for you. I’d dress like a skank at school so you’d tell me I looked good. I’d do anything for your attention. It sucks.
Your opinion was the only one that really mattered. If all of my friends told me to buy one dress, but you said the other, I’d get the other. If my friends liked my hair one way and you liked the other, I’d do it the way you liked it. If you said something mean or bland to me, my stomach would drop and my mood would be ruined the entire day. But if you were to compliment me, my face would light up, and everything in my life looked brighter. Butterflies go insane in my stomach when you smile at me. Sometimes when you pick me up, I open the door to your car and I just stare at you for a second because I forgot how blue your eyes were, how full your lips are, and how your smile makes my heart flutter. I’ve never been affected by one person such a strong way.
I sound like such a freak, as if I’m writing a romantic poem. I’m really creeped out at myself. I’ve never let one person have this much of an influence over me. I don’t know what it is about you. Honestly, I really don’t. You have this thing about you that’s got me absolutely hooked. I can’t break away, no matter how badly I want to. Honestly, you have no idea how much I want to get over you. I’m incredibly sick of crying over you and having my life revolve around what you have to say. Really, I hate it. A lot. It’s not like I enjoy obsessing over you. It really sucks. I feel so stupid talking about you to my friends. I feel like they want to slap me half the time. You’re just on my mind so often. I wish you weren’t.
It’s funny, my freshman year you were like a fun project I had. At first, we liked each other. I was a giddy little freshman, talking to a big-shot junior. We went on a real date. We held hands, we joked around, made flirty comments. You kissed me, and I felt a rush come through my body. We ended up having four make out sessions. You gave me a hug before Tim dragged you out of the theater. I was so happy when I left that night, I felt like I was walking on a cloud. Honestly, that date is really all I remember from the stage where we liked each other. I wish I remembered more. After that date, we stopped talking a little bit. I was very upset. I flipped on you and you apologized and we just started talking daily, only, as friends. However, I liked you a lot, and I thought I had a good chance at getting you for real one day. I always had hope.
Sophomore year, things started getting more serious for me. Around the end of November, I realized that I was in love with you. Yeah, I was going out with Shane. But he never had my heart completely. A huge part of it was always in your hands, even if you didn’t realize it. You were going out with Catie my entire sophomore year and it was hard to deal with sometimes. The hope I always had started to fade, but I couldn’t move on. We talked even more than my freshman year. Our friendship became more serious. We told each other almost everything. We actually talked about more intimate stuff sometimes. Like getting married! Joking, of course. Just saying. But yeah, you’d tell me I looked pretty on some days. That you wanted to hook up with me on others. And once, when you and Catie were on a break, we did. You were such a bad kisser. But I didn’t care. It actually made me a lot more comfortable, and I loved teaching you. I felt important. I just wished it could have been for real, and that you actually liked me. However, I’d take whatever I could get from you. That’s just how it was. So I continued agreeing to the friends with benefits situations, secretly wishing it would one day turn to more.
Of course, you got back with Catie after we hooked up. I don’t think I have ever been as depressed as I was after that in my entire life. I don’t know why, I mean, I expected it to happen. I guess that on top of my dad losing his job, my best friend Lisa stabbing me in the back, and just being alone overall with no one to really talk to about everything, I felt trapped in a world where no one wanted me. I felt absolutely empty. Nothing mattered to me. My grades slipped, the hysteria fits increased, and I didn’t know what to do. I’m not sure what it was that eventually brought me out of this brief phase of depression, but I do know that it is a situation that I never want to be in again. It was horrible.
I was such a jealous person. It’s not like I was just jealous of Catie, either. You talked to a few girls. One of them in particular still makes me absolutely crazy with jealousy. Kelsey. She was my friend, and when you guys started talking, I wanted to kill her. I calmed down quickly though. She was dating your friend, so I wasn’t worried. Then they broke up, and you and Kelsey seemed to talk quite a lot. Apparently, you were pretty close friends, which hurt me. Although I really cared about you as more than a friend, being replaced as your best friend was even worse than enduring that emotion. I kind of learned to deal with it; until I found out you guys were planning to hook up. It’s really not fair. I liked you for so long. I’d been there for you through everything, and I worked so hard to get to where I was. And then, suddenly, you’re barely talking to me at all. You talk to her all of the time though, and she just came around a few months before. It made me crazy, I wanted her to die, and I wanted to scream in your face for hours.
I got over it. It wasn’t easy. I had my tantrum, I did my sulking, and I vented about it numerous times. But eventually, it gets old. I accepted it, and made a goal to get over you. At first, it worked. Considering you weren’t even talking to me, it wasn’t hard. I was sad, but I tried my best not to think about it. I told people I was moving on.
Even though we’d been talking less, I still tried hard to get a graduation ticket. After all of the time we spent being friends, I had to see you graduate. I don’t know why, but it was really important to me. Somehow, I managed to get a ticket at the last minute. When I saw you afterwards, you were being sweet. You looked incredibly sad, and I wanted to give you a big hug. I knew how you felt, and how long you’d been dreading the end of high school. But again, one of your quirks, you hate hugs. But I was still happy because you were being so nice to me. My heart went out to you as my best friend, and I couldn’t be mad that night.
I doubt I will ever give this letter to you. I’m hoping that letting it all out on paper will be enough to help me move on or something. I just thought you should know the truth. Maybe I will give this to you someday. Although, I sound like a lovesick freak. But let me tell you, when you told me you loved my letter I gave you for graduation, it was one of those moments where I realized why I loved you. My heart soared, my face brightened, and everything was better. And you even hugged me! I didn’t ask for it either. You asked me. That never happens. It made me so happy. Really Dave, I don’t know how you do it, but you brighten my day with the simplest things.
I guess our story is still a work in progress. I’m definitely not over you. I don’t think I ever will be until I tell you the truth, and find out how you feel. Like I said, maybe I’m a coward. But right now, you’re texting me. I’m talking about how I saw Nick and you’re talking about getting drunk. I know I’m kind of putting up a front, using Nick as a shield to keep you from knowing how I feel about you. I don’t know why I do it. I want you to know how I feel, because I don’t want you to hide it if you feel the same way. But it’s hard. I don’t know how I’ll react if you reject me. I think I’ll be okay. Maybe I can move on. But I underestimated myself last time. I don’t know how strong I am. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to handle that kind of rejection.
But at the same time, I’m not doing so well not knowing the truth either. It’s a tough situation. Maybe I’ll tell you some time. I want to, I’m just so scared. I wish I had never let you possess this kind of power over my emotions. I want to be in control. It stinks, and I always kick myself for falling so deep. But hey, everything happens for a reason.
It’s a confusing road for us, but in a way, I regret none of it. I really do wish the best for you in life. You truly are my best friend, and I will never forget you nor the influence you’ve had in my life, both good and bad. I love you.
Love Always,
Jenna