january fourth, 2011. the absolute worst day of my life.
it started with an ex boyfriend, and escalated into something no one saw coming, an overdose on pills in an attempt to end my own life. after being hospitalized for a week, i was sent to therapy and diagnosed with severe, persistent clinical depression and put on prescription prozac and celexa.
all because of a boy who didn’t want me. a boy who hadn’t wanted me for months, and a boy who was verbally abusive and one of the most heartless people i have ever met.
but i hadn’t ever had a relationship like that before. i had never experienced a physical relationship, so immediately i was attached.
the months after january were hard. my friends were there for me, but i go to a small school and everyone knew about my overdose. and i mean everyone. my art techer even came up to me and asked why i tried to take my own life. i told her i was sad, and she replied by saying, your life isn’t even bad, and walking away. i will never forget that moment. the moment that an adult, someone decades older than me insisted that whatever i was going through didn’t matter. it wasn’t that bad. she had absolutely no idea.
as the months went on though, i started progressing. i was seeing my therapist regularly and my pills had started kicking in. i was becoming me again, slowly but surely.
but then, someone came along and made the process of becoming and loving myself again even more quickly.
do you believe in love at first sight? because i sure as hell never did. the concept of seeing someone and instantly being in love with them never made sense to me. but the moment i laid eyes on him, i knew. i knew everything in the past year i had gone through, everything that hurt and everyone that had hurt me didn’t matter.
tomorrow makes a year since i tried to take my life. a year since i thought that nothing was ever going to get better and a year since i laid in the hospital bed thinking to myself, if i dont die this time, i’ll try again.
what if i had done it? what if tomorrow marked the one year anniversary of my death? thinking about that gives me chills. thinking, for just a moment that i almost died, and i almost didn’t make it scares me shitless. i will never let anyone have that much control over me again. because thinking that i could have missed out on all the memories, all of the adventures makes me want to cry.
being in love is hard. its never easy, and you might get hurt.
but no matter how badly you get hurt, is it worth it to end it all? is it worth it to end it all over someone who doesn’t deserve you?
theres someone waiting for you.
i was completely at rock bottom. and i got help, and now look where i am. alive, healthy, and in a relationship with the most beautiful boy in the world. he was waiting. and i thank god everyday that i was able to be here when i found him and realized that if you don’t love yourself, it makes it incredibly hard for someone else to love you.
i love you, jacob allen.
-ps, thats us. :)
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