Part I:
http://fuckyeahhlove.tumblr.com/post/12594698516/the-story-of-us-looks-a-lot-like-a-tragedy-now
I don’t know where to start. I just feel like since I wrote a post about him before, I should write another one after since much has happened between that short time till now.
You know how I always believed that he would come back into my life again? Well I was right. He did. In less than a month, he managed to make me fall all over again but this time it’s different. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel the crazy sparks I felt the first time. I still have the heart poundings every time he’s an inch away. I still remember the bittersweet memories every time I smell his scent. I’m still very familiar with the chemistry that goes on between us every time we see each other.
That first day we started talking again, I had so many different emotions bottled up inside of me. I was angry. I was upset. I was hurt. I was confused. And I was broken. He asked me if I was mad at him. I said no because I had no right to be mad at him. He said he was sorry for just cutting me off like that and the only reason he didn’t talk to me after was because he didn’t know how he could face me. I had nothing to say to him that day, not because I had no words but because I was still trying to adjust to the fact that he was in my life, again. He asked me how life was, how the boys were treating me. I told him I didn’t want to talk to any boys because the last guy had hurt me.
“What happened?” He asked.
I told him, “You know how sometimes you’re not suppose to like someone but then you do and how things happen when it’s not suppose to and when it does, it’s bad?”
I’m not sure if he knew it was him at that point but he’s a smart guy so he probably had a hint.
The next night we went home together after work. He kept insisting that I told him about “the guy” and I told him it didn’t matter because it was done for anyways. And then he says “I know more about you than you think.” And that made me shut up. We sat down on the floor, just us two waiting for the train. In a way I was happy that the next train was in 15 minutes. I had missed him. He would say something, and I’d fake a laugh because I couldn’t pay attention and I couldn’t think straight. I had so much inside of me that I wanted to say, but instead my mouth stayed silent. At one point he asked why I took a chance with him, and I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. “You act like it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to you,” he replied. I shook my head and said it wasn’t, but it was over so there’s no point in talking about it. And then we just sat there on the floor without any of us saying a word.
“You know I did like you right?” He said all of a sudden.
I was so taken a back, I didn’t know what to say so I just asked, “Really, why?”
He shook his head, “God knows why.”
My hands were shaking, from the cold and also from that so he held it since he was always warm. I can’t recall everything that he said but it was about what had happened between us. He told me about how his life had been after I wasn’t in it. “I’ve hung out with a few girls, but I never brought another one home.” I nodded because that hurt me. I couldn’t stare at him in the eye. Every time I turned to him to try to say something, I felt the tears coming. My eyes were watery so I had to turn away and pretend like I was staring at an old man standing nearby. I don’t know if he saw or realize but at that moment, I just wanted to break down and bawl my eyes out. For what reason? I didn’t even know but I just wanted to cry.
When he got off and we went our separate ways, I plugged in my earphones and I cried. I felt the salty tears coming down my face, and it totally made mascara streaks down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop. My jacket was wet but I didn’t even notice. Tears just kept coming out. I just felt like crawling into a ball and when I got home that night, I cried some more. And I was angry so I texted him, demanding why he didn’t tell me he used to like me, and told him how he had hurt me. He said that regardless, we wouldn’t have worked out because I was young and I had seemed like I didn’t like him because I acted like I didn’t care. He said he was sorry for everything, for hurting me. And he told me I was stupid for hiding my feelings.
The next night we took the train home together too, and right before I got off I leaned in for a kiss on the cheek. Instead, he gave me a kiss on the lips. He chuckled and walked away, leaving me feeling all giddy inside. It felt like the first time we had kissed. It felt like a new beginning in a way and I was a bit excited. The days that followed after, we talked a bit more, almost every day. He said he wanted to see “where things might go” and stuff. I was very happy, I was bouncing off the walls. One day I had four hours or sleep but I was energetic as hell because I was high off us. It was just crazy how he made me feel.
Then we finally saw each other, alone. I went over to his house last week. The puppy he had in the summer had grown to be so much bigger and when I saw her, I was just so happy and a bit emotional on the inside. After all this time, not much has changed. We cuddled and we kissed but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to do anything physical anymore with him, unless I knew we were going to go somewhere and I didn’t want to have to wait. After, I told him that maybe we should stop and he kind of agreed. He just lied on my legs for a while and both of us were silent. We didn’t say anything but it was comfortable. But then again, for some odd reason I was always comfortable with him. He always had this way of making me feel protected and safe when I was with him. And I used to love it.
In a way I’m a bit more relieved things between us is now over, I hope. Of course I still like him a lot, but I’m just so sick and tired of waiting for something that’s never going to happen. The way he actually took the time to chase me and get to know me, that melted my heart, and when he told me he used to day dream about me. That was just so cute. But I can’t keep running circles with him. We are such different people. He was never the right guy for me to be in a relationship with anyways no matter how badly I had wanted him to be. He told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship with me because he would hurt me because he wasn’t a relationship kind of guy, and he didn’t want to have hurt me. And now, I’m starting to realize all the things I should have known before. He took me out of my comfort zone, and with him sometimes I felt like I was a different person. He saw a side of me that not everyone saw and even if my friends don’t like him, it didn’t matter. Because to me, he wasn’t who he was to them. He was a different person with me and I liked him a lot for it. He made me feel special and he made me happier than I had ever been before. And through all this, I don’t hate him. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I forgive him. I wish him the best. I want him to find a girl that he truly loves and loves him back. Someone who will actually understand him, loves him for him, and enjoys the stupid annoying things he does like ignore texts when playing Halo. I hope he finds someone one day who he’s really attracted to and deals with his mood swings at times. I want him to find a girl who can tie him down.
I used to wish I was that girl but I’m not. But who knows, a lot can happen. I call this the end but maybe God has other plans for “us”. If not, then thank you S.
Thank you for being a part of me.
http://talktoyouforever.tumblr.com/