This is an article I wrote for my ex-boyfriend who left me for another girl. :’( This was written June 13, 2009.
I was praying for a last chance to make things right, but I was deprived. So I prayed again at least for the pain to be gone and a chance to live again. It may not be the chance I actually wanted but it was the chance I pathetically needed.
Since he left me, I was a total mess. I was like a breathing puppet, a heartless thing controlled by the flow of the society. I was miserable. My lacrimal glands were always over-fatigued. My world stopped.My life didn’t move. It felt like happiness has closed its door for me. I lived in pure charade. Wearing a poker face everyday only made life harder for me. I conceal the heartache for others to think that I can bear it; they never noticed it was fake.
No matter what I do my efforts of moving on just seemed so useless. I wanted to go on but the past won’t let go of me. I know I shouldn’t put my life on hold for anybody, but I just can’t help it. If only I could do anything to make the pain go away—surely I would do it. I know I only fooled myself when I chose to believe that the pain already went away, where in fact, the truth is—it was never gone, I just got used to it.
I don’t know why but a part of me still wants to hold on. I know that I held on to something that was gone long time ago, but still, I waited. I’m not healing. It was like it just happened yesterday and everyday it’s just getting worse. To still be in agony after all this time is stupidity—I mean it, I’m stupid. He was the consequence of every decision I made. I already accepted the fact that all the pain was mine to bear. You know what?! I am the most pathetic woman in world’s history because I lost the best guy in the entire universe. Wishing for him to come back was like wishing for a stone to be gold but if waiting is the only thing I could do, I swear I’d spend my whole lifetime waiting for him.
All this time I lived in flashbacks. I was trapped with the alluring memories and my regrets don’t let me sleep. I am nothing without him but he was better off without me. Everybody knows how much I love him. I shouted to the whole world that he was mine—yes, the man I dreamed of was mine. I guess that was my biggest mistake. I was too much fallen that I told the earth he’ll be mine forever. Maybe the world thought I wasn’t good enough for him so they took him away from me. Bad world!
I
will never love anybody else the way I have loved him. He’s the only one who can make me happy the way he did before. He will never be erased and nobody can fill the space he left. Maybe it will take forever to forget him so I’ll just hold on to my intuition that someday he’ll come again to stay for good—and we’ll live happily ever after.
But there are things that must remain unsaid, words that must be left unspoken, reasons that must remain unknown, stories that must be left untold, mysteries that must remain unexposed, speeches that must be left unuttered, articles that must remain unwritten, memories that must be left unforgotten, and secrets that must remain unrevealed.
So from now on, it’s better for you to think that I’ve let go. I don’t want to share anything to anybody anymore. I’ll just keep it all in me. I’ll have to bear the unbearable past and future scenario within me—alone. It’s over now. This will be the last one stupid article written for him; the rest will be kept in my heart—unrevealed, unspoken, unpublished.
I can’t believe I’m ending this article with this same old familiar line. I’ve got nothing else to say but…
“I love you and goodbye, My Lavender”
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