I’ve always dreamed of Prince Charmings and fairytale endings. Growing up watching Disney movies and A Cinderella Story, I’m sure every girl had that moment in their life time when they wanted a perfect ending. As I grew older I watched my best friends get hurt by guys and I swore I would never be a girl that would be so vulnerable. Even as I turned 18, I had never been with a guy. In a way I was scared to be in a relationship. To me, they were always sticky and complicated, filled with hurt and pain, even though I knew that wasn’t all relationship. I guess I was just afraid. Summer 2011, I still was that girl. Still innocent, still hadn’t had my first kiss, and still just browsing along with small crushes here and there. I never liked a guy so much for him to break my heart and I never felt love in a romantic way, not because I was heartless but because no guy ever gave me feelings like that. I hadn’t met anyone that wouldn’t stop walking around in my mind or a guy that I would think about 24/7 but I spoke too soon.
Summer 2011, I decided to take a risk with a guy I met during the end of my senior year at my work place. Actually, I just wanted to be friends but he was attracted to me and although I had never admitted it, I was attracted to him as well. There was just something about him that drew me in. A Friday night in the beginning of August, we finally decided to go to the movies at Court St. Theatre. We watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. That movie was amazing. I’m not sure if it was great because I was with him or if it was great because it made me laugh. I had let him put his arms around me and I enjoyed being in the warmth of them. His scent, his touch, his laughter - I remember it all. When the movie was over, we decided to walk along this road thing where you could see the city lights and the ocean water. I remember the cool air of the night and how the lights in the buildings in the distance were shimmering on the ocean. We sat down on a bench, his arms around me, him staring at my side profile as I stared far into the distance.
“So are you going to let me be your first kiss?” He asked. I laughed. He knew I wanted my first kiss to be something special, to be with someone I liked. I shook my head and he laughed. We joked around about it and then it got quiet. “Look at me,” he whispered. As I lifted my face up to stared at him, I felt his soft lips touch mine. I was clueless in what to do but somehow, I just knew. I felt like I had too many butterflies in my stomach and my head was spinning. As he pulled away, I stared at him. I didn’t know how to react. I couldn’t think and I was in a daze. “Are you okay?” He asked. I nodded. I recovered from that moment and somehow, we ended up mouth to mouth once again. This time, I relaxed and I passionately kissed him back. I forgot about where we were and who I was and who he was. All that was going on in my head was us two together and that was it. I remember an amusing moment while we were intertwined. A police car was driving in our direction, and as it got closer, it slowed down. I started panicking and thought we’d be in trouble because it was PDA. But they drove away, and I swore I heard them chuckling.
That night was really sparkling, just like the Taylor Swift song Enchanted. The whole way home, I was smiling and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. And the next few days when I saw him at work, I had to hold my enthusiasm. Time went on and we hung out a bit more. The walk around Soho, you holding my hands, kisses on my necks, and just the little small things. Then there was that kiss; that out of this world, movie like kiss. It was drizzling just a little bit and we just had gotten out from watching 30 Minutes Or Less (which I didn’t pay attention to anyways and I’m sure he hadn’t either). We were walking in the streets and suddenly, he stops, throws his strong arms around my waist and lifts me up into the air. We stare intently into each others’ eyes and then we both leaned in, meeting each other halfway. I forgot that we were in the streets, in front of a couple of people. I closed my eyes and it was only me and him standing there. “Don’t drop me,” I whispered. “I won’t,” you answered.
Though I never admitted it, and even though he would ask me if I liked him and I responded no, I knew I was lying to myself. I’m not sure if he had any feelings either but for those moments, it seemed like there was more than just chemistry between us. Those moments were one of the best in my life. Being with him made me happy, even if my best friends didn’t like him. But there’s always a reason why your best friend wouldn’t like someone right? The middle of September rolled around and he decided to move on, without telling me. I remember he used to tell me that he would always be mine till forever or whenever I had someone else. He told me he found a new girl and one morning, he just got mad at me for no reason and deleted me out of his life. I didn’t cry, I just couldn’t eat, sleep, and I didn’t want to do anything. I’ve never felt so out of place in my life.
September and October were the most heartbreaking months I had ever experience. I guess throughout the time we spent together, I ended up having romantic feelings for him that I didn’t even realize. I couldn’t get him off my mind. Every little thing reminded me of him - his scent, songs, perfumes, and just anything I saw would bring my mind back to him. I went through two weeks of not feeling hungry which was extremely a problem because I’m always usually hungry. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was just always on my mind, every second I was breathing. When I was with my friends, I didn’t think about it as much but late at nights I felt lonely and I thought of him. I listened to sad music which probably made it worse. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I guess he kinda broke me in a way. I felt like I was emotionally damaged, and no band aid could fix it.
Because of him, I don’t want to trust any other guy. I do not want to talk to anyone anytime soon and I wish that I would just get over him but I can’t. I know time heals everything but it’s hard as of right now. Because of him, I am unstable. I have a wall and I can’t bring myself to believe anything people say at times. Because of all this, I’ve trusted less and I refuse to take anything seriously. I don’t believe I am in love with him, but I do know that he meant something to me even if the feelings are not mutual. He claimed he loved me, even if it was just in a friendship way but friends don’t hurt each other and he sure as hell did hurt me.
I saw him again a few days ago. Nothing has changed but the silence is still loud. I don’t know what’s to happen in the future between us but I know I won’t be foolish and naïve anymore. He was a lesson learned and I’ve learned it well. Even after all this, I thank him for being a painful experience I can grow from. Maybe this story has already ended, or maybe the chapter’s subjected to new change. Whatever it is, I am ready for it.
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