This isn’t because I want to or because I won’t fight for you.
This is because I know I messed up. I tried to fix it. I tried to rationalize it, and most of all I tried to apologize. When you love someone you don’t forget things, you forgive. I hope somewhere in your life you can find it in yourself to forgive me for those three days. I’m not going to say anything other than yes I wasn’t up those nights talking to you. Yes I didn’t come running the next morning to work it out again. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to place blame or explain. I’ll just take it all in.
I want you to be happy and right now, your happiness is coming from talking to her or connecting with her or whatever it is. I’m not what makes you happy anymore. I understand. I’m not trying to throw a pity party, just a white flag. Sappy things on the internet and constant messaging and pleading isn’t what would bring you back to me. It will never be enough to fix this. When you get home, if seeing her and hanging with her and not having me run to your door and beg and explain time and time again is what is going to make you the happiest then i’ll let you have that. If it was what you wanted, know that I’d be in Sumter the second you land.
You’re right. You can post anything you want. It’s your blog, and I know its not about me anymore. I’m sorry I said anything. I’m just mad at myself and upset. I just want to do the right thing and try to be as mature as I can about it. I will never talk bad about her. It’s not her fault. Yes, I’m jealous but it’s still not her fault or anything she did. She was in the right place at the right time. It’s not your fault either. You needed me. You were alone overseas stressed out and quite frankly getting shit on. You needed me, and for whatever unimportant reasons I wasn’t there and that’s all that matters(ed). I told you I needed to figure out college and this transition in my life and everything with my parents and I guess it did me in. I wasn’t who you needed. I wasn’t strong enough for you.
In the end, all of this wasn’t because I didn’t care or don’t care. I messed up. I’m human, and I’m sorry. That sounds so “oh well moving on” but It’s all really more than words can say.
I just want you to know I would fight if I thought it’s what you wanted. It’s too late. I get it. If you ever need me, ever, or if this isn’t what you really meant please talk to me, please say something. It kills me every day not talking to you. Just because I’m probably going to post happy things and about other people on here don’t think for one second I forgot you or forgave myself. It’s going to take a long long time for me to make peace with this. From here on out I’m going through the motions.
No matter who i’m with, who you’re with, where we are or if we haven’t spoken in months, I will always love you, and I will always be here for you to talk to or to cry to when things are going good and bad. You can always reach out to me. I want what’s best for you. I’ve learned from all this Ethan. I’m sorry for everything I did wrong. I never meant to hurt you so much.
Most importantly, I will always, always love you. I will smile when I think of you and every night you were at my window. I will remember all the nights we spent talking about random things, watching scary movies, and the conversations we had with your dad. I’m sorry I let your father down and that I never got to meet your godmother.
I wish I could talk to you everyday. I wish we could be friends. I wish we could be anything, but I can’t force it on you. It’s not my decision to make, and if you say nothing to me ever again I’ll still be happy for you and look fondly upon all the time I spent missing you and spilling out our story to random people and loving you. I will keep the letters I wrote you if you should ever want them. I’ll probably just keep writing all the things I can never say.
I want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you deserve and want out of life. I’m sorry about your grandmother and the situation with your mom. I know that words will never be enough.
But I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you.
“If you kiss me like that again, I’ll never let you leave”
bornoriginal.tumblr.com <3’s flakeofreality.tumblr.com