There is always this stigma when it comes to young love, people assume teenagers don’t know what love is, on account of our immaturity. I happen to agree with this assessment, but, Joshua and I never really fit into anyone’s previous misconceptions anyway. Maybe it’s cliched, but we’re a whole lot different than other kids. Because of Joshua, I now understand love in a way that I think few people do.
People constantly say “I love you.” Maybe it’s just me, but it makes me roll my eyes. Love was quite a silly concept three years ago. Unconditional love? When my dad left my mom after twenty-five years of marriage? Ha! As if. There was this boy, though. I had just scraped out of my awkward-redhead-puberty phase. I was starting to “blossom.” And someone liked me! Can you believe it? Well, boys were a whole new playing field. And, man, was I good at that game. I toyed with his emotions like crazy, but we still managed to become best friends. I enjoyed stringing him along, but I didn’t bargain for the day I’d wake up with actual feelings for him.
Joshua suffered from a severe case of depression, often stemming from my cruel tricks, but I was too naive to realize it at the time. We see these movies as kids of people who do terrible things to themselves, thinking it’s fantasy. With Joshua, the reality of it was smothering. He became addicted to self-mutilation, and I was too self-centered to realize it; I was only 15. Someone finally told his parents, who seem to a have a knack for ignoring reality. He went to therapy for a while, all the time “in love” with me, as if he knew anything about love!
Well, the months passed, and Joshua transferred to a school away from me. We still spoke, and one day he gave me butterflies. Well, that was odd. I ignored it and carried on with my games. Sure enough, the longer I toyed with his heart, the more I cared about him. The audacity! Finally, I confessed my feelings. At the time, it was just a crush.
Joshua and I dated after that. I argued, he listened, I’d pout, he’d buy me flowers. Not much of a healthy relationship. I broke up with him three months in, because I got scared. I was 16 now, things were too serious. But, being a teen girl, I changed my mind every five seconds, so we continued to date on and off for two years. I’ll never understand why he did it. He said he loved me. I never said it back, not until the day he left me. He was done. He finally got fed up. He was emotionless towards me. I got so scared, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in love with him, after so long. It wasn’t like normal teenage love though, the one you see in couples in high school way too often. Being someone who scoffed at love, I knew this was much different.
Well, the weeks went on and I didn’t hear from him. Months went by, and my days often ended in tears because of how I pined for him. A text would even be okay. My desperation grew, as wells as my determination to just move on. I dated other boys, though I was numb. I would hear things about Joshua that broke me. I went into this zombie-state. I was as dry as a dial-tone and as humorless and white-noise. I stopped eating, I cried myself to sleep, and I hid my emotions as best I could.
Suddenly, there came a point where enough was enough. It was like an entire new world, I saw the silver lining and the light at the end of the tunnel. I was happy again. I could get ready for the day without thinking of him. I was good, I was fine on my own, I was strong. Cloudy days would go and the occasional look-alike, but for the most part, I was happy.
Then, the strangest thing happened. He asked one of my friends about me. He wanted to know if I was okay. After that, something even stranger happened; he called. We talked like old friends. That old ache in my chest wasn’t so prominent. We told each other about our lives. He was my best friend again within two minutes. When you have been in the mountains for a few days, you breathe just fine. When you come down off that mountain, though, oxygen never tasted so good. That’s how I felt. I wasn’t just breathing anymore, I was inhaling and exhaling the sweetest oxygen there ever was.
I came to this realization that I had never really moved on or fallen out of love with him. I didn’t say so, in case he no longer loved me that way, which I figured he didn’t. Then, one night we sat together talking and laughing, when he turned quiet and solemn. “What is it?” I asked, preparing for another blow to shatter my soul. He looked up at me, and, almost inaudibly, said “I’m in love with you. I always have been. I never stopped. I never will.”
All of the pain, all of my hurt, my brokenness, none of it mattered in that moment. He loved me, after all this time. How could that be?
I am clearly a skeptic when it comes to love. I don’t know what I believe or if I even believe in soul mates and true love. What I am absolutely sure of, though, is that Joshua has a part of me that is untouchable to anyone else. If Joshua and I are together or not, it’s only a footnote in our story. I love him, regardless.