Love is just a word, but you bring it definition
We haven’t been going out for long, but it feels as though I’ve known her all my life.
It started with a simple mail and ended up having me fall completely head over heels in love with her. She makes everything so much easier and better, and as cheesy as it may sound, she truly gives my life meaning.
Now, I wasn’t looking for love when we first started talking, I was mostly looking for someone with whom I could relate to or have a pleasant conversation with. And it started as so. But as the days went by, I found myself checking, every hour of the day, if she had replied to my mail. When I saw there was no response, I felt this kind of sadness and I fought with myself to not send another mail, just in case she would have forgotten to respond. When I did see the new mail icon, words just couldn’t express what I felt, but it felt as though I could just hug anyone around me (I’m not really the hugging type of person) and just keep on jumping of joy.
As we got to talk more, I felt myself getting attached to her. We added each other on facebook. I remembered how scared I was to talk to her on the facebook chat at first, but when I saw that she started the conversation, I felt even happier because I knew that she wanted to talk with me. I wanted to meet her. I wanted to be able to be close to her and actually see her to know that I wasn’t dreaming, and I already had all of my trips planned out to go visit her. But still I felt uneasy because I didn’t know how she felt about me, although I was clearly aware of the feelings I had developed for her.
Then came that day that I had to leave for a ski trip, which meant that I had no access to internet (but thanks to Iphone I was still connected to the world). While on the bus, and about 3 hours into the ride, we were talking through ebuddy about everything and nothing, as we usually did. We ended up doing this survey, because I always found a way to convince her to do survey while saying that it was fun (but in fact, wanted to do surveys because I wanted to know everything about her). The question “Who do you like?” came up. At that moment, I remember my heart beating so fast and, playing all casual avoiding being so nervous, I chose to make a joke out of it and teased her about her liking Tom Kaulitz, from Tokio Hotel, since she’s such a big fan of them. After having joked about it for a short amount of time, there was this sort of silence and I thought we’d move on to another question. But then I saw her reply “you”. I still see myself lifting myself up from the seat in which I was slouching and having a big smile across my face. Even my friend got worried about it, because she rarely saw me smile that big. We continued talking every night, falling asleep on skype with each other and, most importantly, looking forward to the 4th of february, the time where I was supposed to head up to Paris to see her.
After what it seemed like ages, the 4th finally came. First I didn’t really feel nervous about it, was just excited and the trip went by so fast that as I was standing inside of the metro, at about 2 stops from where we were supposed to meet, I found myself shaking uncontrollably to the point where I couldn’t even stand without holding on to something, and my stomach was doing big flips. But then I saw her, and I felt a burst of pure happiness, something I’ve come to realize that I never experienced before. And I got to hold her in my arms, close, tight and breathe in her scent, and feel my fingertips against the soft texture of her clothing. I really wanted to hold on to her as long as I could. I don’t remember what we did that day, because I was too focused on her, and her presence. At one point though we were on the ferris wheel in front of the Jardin des Tuilleries, and while we were inside that cabin with a beautiful view of all paris, I just wanted to kiss her. But I was never able to push myself completely into action, so I just sat there and admired the way she looked around, really pleased with the view of Paris (I was also trying not to focus on the heights….). And in the evening we went out with friends of mine and ate all together at a restaurant. When she had to leave to go back home, I didn’t want to say goodnight. That’s when I realized that her absence left a big void inside of me.
The next day, I took her on a date to Disneyland, because she never went. We started the day off with the haunted mansion (after having created life stories for the ducks that we were observing in the pond). While going inside of that haunted mansion, I admit I was kind of freaked out and everything happened so fast, that I went from being kind of scared to feeling her fingers tangled with mine and having the biggest smile across my face. I was always scared of the beginning of that haunted mansion, but having her hands holding mine, I didn’t even pay attention to the ride anymore.
The evening, my friend had invited her over for dinner, and since she lived quite far, she also offered for her to stay the night (thank goodness, she agreed to it!).
I had never been with a girl before, with anyone for that matter, and even less had my first kiss. She was my first. That kiss was, it seemed, never-ending. It was just simply amazing, I wouldn’t even know how to start describing it. All I know is that I never wanted it to end. We fell asleep in each others arms. Now that confirmed that I never wanted to be away from her, and that I could get used to falling asleep with my arms around her, protecting her and hearing her breathe so softly.
It’s going to be 2 months soon that we’re going out. Sure it may seem a short amount of time to start saying that I couldn’t imagine myself living without her, but I don’t care. It’s what I strongly feel. I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with, I’m quite stubborn and can let my feelings get to me so easily, not to mention that I have my jealous moments. But I know that when I love, I love strongly and with no limits and I’m ready to stop at nothing just to make her happy. She made my life better in so many ways, she can’t even start to imagine. She gave me back self-confidence, positivity, hope that life isn’t that bad afterall and motivation for everything I do.
Now I’m looking forward to a future with her, being able to move in with her in september, get an apartment of our own so we’d never have to leave each other. Because distance is always trying to separate us (I’m french but my mom lives in Indonesia so I have to go visit her whenever I can, and she’s swedish with her family living there, so for vacations, visiting family is also important.) But as I told her, I won’t let distance separate us, I won’t give in that easily. I’m ready to fight come what may for her. For us.