“so it meant nothing” he whispers in my ear trying to engage me in a conversation that i dont want to have, especially not when my boyfriend is a few metres away, trying not to but watching out conversation intently.
“please matt, just drop it” i plead with him.
“funny you didnt say, yes matt it meant nothing”
I began to get angry i said to him “almost as funny as you not talking to me for a week after” walking away quickly aiming for the arms of my boyfriend, the safe, secure, stable arms that i have almost convinced myself i love more.
“IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?!” he says, now angry himself. He doesn’t think to lower his voice as my face turns into a look of horror.
“STOP” i shout at him, not moving. I am now standing equally between matt and my boyfriend, and as my head tells me “WALK over to simon, walk now, and quickly”, my heart is sceaming, reacting to the hurt look on his matt’s face ”STOP, stop it walk to him, hold him and tell him you love him, make him feel better”. But neither wins, and i stand there, between them looking side to side at the two boys i love.
“NO i will not, i wont stop, i wont talk to you later, because you never want to have this conversation and you need to know, you need to know.”
“know what?”
and to my complete shock he looks at me definatly and doesn’t lower his voice and states boldly “how i feel about you.” As i knew it would, his face turns bright red, but it doesn’t stop him continuing.
“I love you”
“you dont know what love is” i say and the words cut across him as if they are a sword.
His anger seems to come back with avengence, and i know now that his is not in control of what he is saying. “REALLY?!” he yells “because im pretty sure furiously making love for a weekend in that cabin in the mountain was love, or was it not love for you alex? think carefully before you answer, because im pretty sure the phrase around your purity ring says true love waits, but then again i dont know why you continue to wear it around your neck, because your sure not a virgin anymore, and if what you say is true you sure didn’t wait.”
A shocked hush echos throughout the room, the idea that, the virginal, waiting till marriage alex spent a sweaty weekend with matt, definatly not waiting makes everyone take a breath and look expectantly at the drama unfolding before them.
My anger and happiness battle against each other for a solid minute as i consider my options. Half of me wants to walk over to matt and slap him hard across the face, thats the anger that is attached to simon, that loves him and knows that if i want to continue my relationship that can be my only course of action. But as much as i will it not to, the part of my heart that is attached to matt yells out in truimph, and my happiness repeats “true love, true love”, he thinks what you have is true love and it tells me run to him, let him take you in his arms.
In that moment i had no clear course of action, and i was at a complete loss of what to do.