on september 9th, i submitted a post about me and my boyfriend, and how i was going to love him forever. that post is here: http://fuckyeahhlove.tumblr.com/post/1065301213/this-is-pretty-long-but-i-can-guarantee-you-its
well, he broke up with me. he gave up. i put him through too much. i don’t blame him, at all. i still love him with everything in me. this is our story of being together for a year. it’s written as if i was speaking to him. help me get him back?
I’ve had so much time to think without you in my life. I’ve sat on my bed for hours over analyzing every moment we’ve had together. Thinking about everything you’ve ever said to me. Memorizing everything about you before it slips out of my memory. May I say, that you were right. You were right about Matt. I loved him. I subconsciously denied it though, because I knew I loved you more. I knew I wanted you more. I knew you were better than him. Matt just knows how to win girls over. He’s the perfect example of a player. He knows exactly what to say and exactly when to say it. At times, he made me feel even more wanted then you made me feel. And I don’t know why, but if I feel wanted, I fall for it. Every single time. The night before our anniversary, him, Brandon, and Dave came over. We all hung outside for an hour, and then he left. He texted me that night and told me that I was everything he ever wanted. He told me that if he had me, he wouldn’t need anything else. He said that he’d be a different person if I was with him. He told me he loved me. I told him it didn’t matter. I told him that I was in love with you, and I would be in love with you for the rest of my life. But he knew, that deep down, subconsciously, that I fell for it. He knows that my goal in life is to change people into being better and happier. He used that against me to get me to fall for him. He’s been doing things like that ever since me and you got together. I know that’s no excuse, Alex, but it’s the truth. I know that everything I’ve done to you, is on me. I just wanted to let you know, that you were right. Matt’s been playing me for the past two years, ruining everything good that I’ve ever had in my life. YOU were the only one who saw it. You warned me, and I didn’t listen. I just thought he was another lost soul that I could change. I can’t. I realize that now. I’m not going to try anymore. And I can tell you, that I do not love him. I do not have any feelings for him. I don’t expect anything from him, and I do not want to be friends with him.
And you know what else I’ve figured out? We’re meant to be together. But I messed up when I said yes to you on December 27th, 2009. It was too soon after me and Matt broke up. I needed to move on before I let myself fall in love with you. I think that everything that has happened in the past year, was definately supposed to happen. I just think it all happened at the wrong time. For both of us. I was supposed to be heart broken over Matt. I was supposed to keep falling for his games, over and over again. I was supposed to lose friends and loose relationships with my family over him. I was supposed to loose my virginity to him. And you were supposed to go up north with Dylan, and get drunk, and fall in love for a night, and loose your virginity up there. But that wasn’t supposed to happen when we were together. I think that all should have happened, and then it’d be time for us to be together. I think the “best day of my life” should have been December 27th, 2010. Just think about that. Think about where we would be. We would be so wise. We would have all these lessons learned and hearts broken behind us. We’d actually work, if that had happened. If we would have just waited. So, no, I don’t think it’s US together that doesn’t work. I think it’s the time that we chose to fall in love, that doesn’t work.
Hopefully, you agree with me. Hopefully, you’ll realize that and let us start over. Hopefully, you’ll take me in your arms and tell me you love me and that you’ll never going to leave me again. Hopefully, you’ll let me call you babe again. Hopefully, i’ll be able to kiss you again, and see you every night again, and laugh with you again, and plan my future with you again.
But I know, deep down inside that all of that is false hope. It’s not going to happen. It’s some fantasy of mine that’s never going to come true. It’s the tragic, romantic movie that I’m never going to be a part of. It’s the one thing that I want in my life, that I will never, ever have. But that’s not stopping me from trying. I want to be in your life. I will be in your life. Whether it’s as your best friend, or your girlfriend. I’m gonna be there for you.
If I’m your best friend, I’ll be here for you. You’ll know everything about me, and I’ll know everything about you. I’ll be that girl to tell you to call the girl you like, even though it will break my heart. I’ll tell you to ask that girl to the dance, even though i’ll know I can’t stand to see you with her. I’ll say I’m happy for you when you get that girl, when all I really want to do is cry. I will do anything to see that smile of yours, even if it makes me miserable. I’ll do that for you for the rest of my life. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on. Anytime you need it, I’ll be there for you.
But if I’m your girlfriend, things will be different then they have been. We’ve been through so much. I really did not like you, but then you were there for me. Every day after school. You’d just listen to me complain about my life. Then we slowly fell in love with each other, but neither of us knew. And then you asked me out, and it was life altering. But I slept with Matt. I didn’t tell you I still had feelings for him. My parents got a divorce. I had a relapse with Doug molesting me. And after all that, here we are. Alex, we’ve taken so many steps forward. There is no more back, no more road blocks, no hiccups. I have no secrets, you have no secrets. You are the first person, the only person, to know all of me and to love me anyway. I know the divorce and remembering being molested, wasn’t my fault. But the lying, and the cheating, that was my fault. And I lied from the from the fear that I’d loose you. Fear that I didn’t deserve someone like you. And again, that’s no excuse, but it’s the truth. You made one mistake, I forgive you. I still love you as much as I did the day I told you. More, even. If you took me back, there’d be no more lies, no more secrets, no more cheating. I’d treat you better. We’d have more fun. I’d be more fun. I’d be more positive. We’d get through this and live happy together forever, like we’re supposed to.
Every second I spend away from you, feels like an eternity. Every time I try to think of something else, I can only think of you. Every time I see you, I just smile, and I’m so happy to even be in your presence, that I could cry. Every time I talk about you with other people, I just want to go on and on about how amazing you are. I don’t know much about life at all, alex. But if there’s one thing I’m absolutely positive about, it’s that I love you. I feel like the world stops moving whenever i’m with you. I feel crazy amounts of different emotions, and I can’t find the words to tell you how I feel, I just feel it. I know that I could be with you for the rest of my life and still be as in love with you as the day I realized I loved you. It’s never going to go away. I’ll feel it. Forever and a lifetime. I’ve had my times where I was mad and times where you’ve let me down, but I know that no matter what, I love you, and I don’t want to live without you. I know you’re my one true love, and that you’re meant to be in my life. And whether you realize that or not, is not in my control. Best friend, or girlfriend, I love you. I’ll always love you. And I’ll always fight for you. Whether it’s from afar, wishing every night at 11:11 that you’ll come back, or by your side fighting through it.
Either way, you’ve given me a story to tell. If we’re apart, I’ll have a tragic, bittersweet story to tell my daughter when she’s going through heart break, so she knows everything will be okay eventually. But if we’re together, we’ll tell our children and our grandchildren our story, and they’ll know true love is real.
I want to thank you for that. Just for simply giving me a story to tell. Whether it’s a tragedy, or a romance. You’ll forever be a part of me and a story that I’ll pass on.