This letter was written after I broke up with my boyfriend and best friend of 3 years. He took it pretty hard, and so did I, and he has yet to forgive me. But I love him still and I’m still trying to fix things with everything I have. We had every kind of love, even true love, even though it lasted for only a little while. Hopefully one day he’ll see this and see just how much he meant to me. <3
Darlin,
This letter is overdue. It’s overdue for a lot of reasons, mostly because I couldn’t find the words, and I hate to form a thought with the wrong words. Illogical, yeah. You always called me that.
Another reason for this letter being so late is the fact that I can’t decide which letter I’m writing. You are the ex-boyfriend, the person who broke my heart the hardest, the person who changed my life, all of it… you have been so completely integral to my life that there are times I can hardly remember when you weren’t in it. I honestly don’t even remember a time when my feelings haven’t somehow mimicked or paralleled yours. You were the rock I’d always held on to.
I’m sure you will never believe me, as sure as I know that you will probably never read this. But I did, and still do love you. You are brilliant, and witty, and stubborn, and kind, and understanding and so deserving of love that I wish the world would see it. God, I wish you could see it. But you can’t, or you won’t. Every time I tried to show you, you’d turn away from it, back to the shadows, where you can live in your cynical reality. The one I refused to accept. The one that I will never understand.
That’s the only reason I had to end it, love. That’s the only reason. It wasn’t time or my parents or my friends or anything, it was the fact that with every day that I was with you, your logic destroyed mine. My illusions were dying under your cold, harsh facts and I am not quite ready to live without them. I may be stronger since my depression, sweetheart, but I can’t let go of my hopes yet. My dreams shield what I can’t, and you tore them to pieces. You called me stupid, blindly faithful, illogical, ignorant. It was killing me.
And when I finally said the words, I cried for days. It was worse than any other heartbreak I’d ever experienced, because I knew I’d wounded you, and I knew that we’d never be the same again. I missed you so much I felt that I’d have to die just to relieve the regret. My facade still stands.
You saved my life countless times. You talked me out of the ice that froze my thoughts on those nights when everything seemed perfectly worthless. You never gave up on me. You never told me I was being dramatic. You understood. You loved me then. Even before I’d ever said I loved you.
Please know that you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. And even though I mean so little to you now, know that I’m so sorry I had to hurt you. I’m so sorry that we didn’t last. Because I remember once, in the 8th grade, you said, “If we’re both single at 30, I’ll marry you.” I laughed then. I wouldn’t laugh now.
I’m sorry my logic never stood with you. I’m sorry that I could never help you see the beauty that I’ve worked so hard to discover. You will never know how sorry I am. And you can not even fathom how grateful.
“What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career - the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reason can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you.” I assume you’ve seen A Beautiful Mind- you always knew movies better than me- but this is all I can say.
Love you,
Kelsey