So I just figured that if I were to die in some sort of freak accident perhaps involving a coathanger and a bolt of lightning, there would be a whole host of things that I would want you to know and maybe remember about me. I’m hoping that maybe writing this will give me some relief or help me get over this, but if it achieves neither of those things, then so be it.
I have no idea how you feel about me these days but I get the feeling that your current sentiments towards me are somewhat negative. It is hard to pretend otherwise when you seem to make a point of avoiding speaking to me whenever we are in the same place. It’s strange because you always used to have a hello for me at the very least. Those greetings made my day and I mean, at the lake on Tuesday when it seemed as if you were trying to hide from me, it kind of broke my heart a little. Candid, but it’s true. I really hate feeling like I don’t mean anything to you although deep down I have known that to be the truth all along. It’s just that it used to be a lot easier to ignore it because you’d talk to me about stuff. Stupid, inconsequential stuff, but stuff nonetheless. I’d get a smile when you could muster one and maybe even a wave. Sometimes you’d pair my name with the transitory greeting you would grant me.. and then there were those days when we actually talked and I studied your face as inconspicuously as possible, trying to drink in and learn every aspect of you and.. I don’t know, store you and those conversations in my head, I guess.
Man, I could listen to you speak forever. In some obscure way, you are unlike everybody else I have ever listened to. There is just something really unique about the way you arrange and use your words, the way you describe things (or maybe that’s just my heart fucking with my head again. Seems to happen quite often where you are concerned).. I am so enamored by you and everything about you. You are beautiful but so are other girls. There is a lot more to you than what shows outwardly and that is why I like you. I know it seems strange for me to be saying that since we don’t know each other very well, but with some people, I can just tell. I can feel that you have substance and a beautiful mind and so much to offer. I know enough to believe that completely.
You’re just really really special to me, you know? You probably don’t know it (and if you did you probably wouldn’t appreciate it) but I think you are one of the most amazing people in the world and I would move a million mountains just to make you smile, because timeless happiness is what you deserve (and that’s not even the half of it). I did that for you because I know you are sad and that probably sounds creepy and pathetic but it really isn’t hard to tell and I fail to understand why seemingly no one else has realized it. I wanted you to know that you really mean something to someone and that someone cares when you are upset. I wanted you to remember that you are beautiful. If I so rightly could, I would make a point of reminding you of that every single day. I think everybody needs to hear that about themselves sometimes and there is nobody I would rather pay such a profound compliment to than you.
I have essentially known since the day I met you that you were really something else. What sparked this whole thing was me reminiscing about conversations L and I used to have, recalling all the times he told me about you crying in art or constantly being sad, and along with it all remembering the intense worry I felt for you, and the pain I couldn’t help but to feel on your behalf. It’s funny because so little has changed, aside from those feelings becoming stronger. Your happiness is absolutely my primary concern – I’m not going to lie. That’s fucked up, I know, and I do a hell poor job of showing it, but it’s true. I honestly don’t care what happens to me or really anyone else as long as you enjoy the happiness that you so wholly deserve. I cannot express in words the things I would do for you. You are the kind of person people end up doing absolutely crazy things for.
I wish there was a way to tell you that there are people out there who would treasure you so much more than the morons you currently call ‘friends’. I don’t doubt the legitimacy of all of them, but most of them.. so false. You seem to keep to yourself an awful lot, anyway, and I know it’s not because you’re the independent type. It’s okay to need someone, you know. It’s okay to be vulnerable and shy and you don’t have to look away when you talk because you’re scared of what people will see in your eyes. I want to know you.
Maybe a week or so after I did that thing, I told B. Of course she could not keep her mouth shut, despite her promises, and you ended up finding out. At around the same time, I told her I thought I had a crush on you (avoiding full-blown confessions of love because I knew I could not really trust her) and I asked her with all of the sincerity in the world to look after you where I could not. She said she would and that you would be fine once school was done, that you’d be partying every weekend.. as if partying would be the ultimate, unfailing cure to every sadness you’ve ever felt. I knew then that I could not trust her in any capacity, but I allowed myself to believe that I had no other choice. I cannot believe how cowardly I was. How careless and inconsiderate.
I am really just sorry. I am sorry I did not put myself out there for you in all of the ways that I should have and I am sorry I was too scared for too long. I wish I could have helped you a lot more over the last three or so years that you have been a (however distant) part of my life. I am disgusted by all the time that I have spent standing off in the distance, looking over your life and never doing a fucking thing to help you when I knew.. I knew that I should have. I should have made more of an effort and I should have stopped talking myself out of things. Please believe I am paying dearly for it now.
I know that it is likely that I will never see you again and Tuesday was all wrong. I just wanted a goodbye from you as some sort of closure, but I didn’t get a single word, smile or even glance from you. Something is wrong and I know it but as usual, I am too fearful to say anything about it. If I was brave I would log onto Facebook upon completing composition of this fucking mess of words and just send it to you so you would know how I feel but that will never ever happen. It doesn’t matter, anyway - with the ostensible current state of things between us, it probably wouldn’t make a difference. Maybe one day. I don’t know.
I keep wondering if maybe you know I have a thing for you and that has made you feel uneasy. I keep wondering.. if that is true, then how do you know? Surely I am not that obvious? Did Btell you, or did you seriously figure it out for yourself? Either way, if you do know.. I don’t mean you any harm and I would never try to force my feelings on you or even change anything about our acquaintanceship. I know my boundaries with you, always have, and overstepping them was never an option for me. The fear of losing what little I had of you has always been far too great.
Only now I feel like I have nothing left of you and I need to know exactly where I slipped up. Of course, I can’t well turn the past up the right way now, but I just need to know. You are my first priority and I will always care about you, always think you are wonderful, beautiful, amazing, something completely beyond your average human being, but it’s so hard this way. l want to rewind to before all this shit happened and do it again and not tell anyone, just to see how it would turn out. I want to rewind to just before I told B. I want to rewind to just before I sent you that text to apologize, just to see if you really would have text me to say thank you. I want to rewind to each time before I text you so I could rethink what to say.. whether to even send you anything at all.
I feel like I have screwed up so many times with you and that doesn’t even make sense. I feel like by not being the sort of person you really wanted to know I have failed myself.. and I mean, I have failed myself. In being so pathetic and scared, I have truly failed myself. I worry illogically about the physical distance university will put between us, when really, we could be stuck in this stupid fucking town that cages you so horribly for years and years to come and it’s entirely likely that nothing would ever change between us. Maybe all you need is a fresh start to discover who you are and what you want and what makes you happy. I hope so. I hope that’s what it’s like for me, too.
If there was some insane way I could just switch off my feelings, I would. Caring about someone like this is beautiful, but in a very painful and draining way. The results of my emotional investment in you have turned out at nil and I know it is all my fault that we are like this because I am shit and permanently frightened and a twat but I would change it all if I could. I would change anything and everything for you. Remember that.
Despite everything, I am endlessly glad I met you. Falling in whatever this is with you has been the greatest mistake my heart has ever made, truly. You just being you has made this whole thing worth it.. has made everything I have ever experienced worth it. You are devastatingly beautiful, much more so than you will ever know, and I don’t expect to ever encounter anyone like you, or anything like this, again. You have exemplified for me what it means to love someone beyond all else and you have shaped my definition of perfection to a t. This shit may have hurt me a lot but I have never been happier than when I was speaking to you about Gossip Girl or math or Subway or haunted houses.. or lamingtons. You should know that despite your lack of ‘real’ involvement in my life, over the last three years, you have been an everlasting, inextinguishable beacon of light to me.. an immovable pillar of resilience and strength. It makes very little logical sense, but you have helped me get through hell and back without even realizing it. Just by existing, you have given me infinite bundles of hope and a real reason to live when all else seemed bleak. You’ll never know it, but in the most revolutionary of ways, you changed my life. And saved it.
I think I have said everything I needed to say. I wish I could send this to you just to get the weight off my shoulders but I know I never will (chicken). I know this year you are going to make yourself and everyone around you proud because you are fucking incredible in a million and two ways. I know in the long-term you will become something absolutely amazing, something you can be entirely comfortable with. Don’t you dare ever think you are worthless or talentless or average. You are fucking wonderful and nobody compares to you. Things are going to be hard sometimes, but just know that I’ll always be thinking of you, and no matter how hard you fall or how bad things are, I am always proud of you and I will always think the world of you. You will forever be of utmost importance in my life. Who you are is everything to me.
Thank you for letting me a part of your world, however brief and fleeting our involvement in each others’ lives may have been. I hope one day someone will look after all of the stunningly beautiful things about you in the ways that I never could. I will never ever forget you.
- moonlitsailor