Growing up in an abusive home I was told I would never ever be loved, and it was so evident all my life. Until I met you I doubted love completely, actually I probably only started believing in love in the new year for us.
I dated his bestfriend, and that’s why we started talking. He added me randomly on msn, and I’d known him for a year and a half before, never thought to much of him. I randomly asked him to send my some new ADTR music because my limewire wouldn’t work, and as the songs were pending and processing, we started to talk. From that day on, every single day we’d talk. We had so much in common, but I never thought you’d become the biggest part of my life.
We became good friends, the summer before highschool we talked every day nonstop, you were the reason I went on msn still. And when I came to your highschool and your locker was right across from mine, we became inseparable best friends. Everyone teased us that we were secretly in love and needed to date, we always just laughed it off. Then one day we went to a concert together, neither of us were really going to go, you got your ticket because Kaz got grounded and gave it to you, and I had to cry and beg for my strict parents to let me go. But somehow, by fate we both ended up making it there. And by choice, we spent the entire time together. Every time I turned around at the concert you were smiling at me, and while we waited for the second train we went off alone to buy food, and sat alone from the others, prompting more jokes about our “meant to be-ness”. It wasn’t until I fell asleep and woke up on your shoulder that I realized I’d been in love with you. Somehow just the comfort, and that feeling of just letting go for the first time, and waking up to your eyes, was enough. The entire time they slept they joked about how we were going to date one day, my bestfriend told me all about it afterwards, and I still tried to deny I liked you.
Then I dated Eric for a week, and everyone still asked if I was dating you, even infront of him. It lasted a week because I told him I couldn’t be with him, the reason why? You were occupying my mind. The months and months after that were filled with confusing signs and never knowing if we liked each other.
I remember all the times you’d spend with me, making me kraft dinner, because no one makes it better than you. The times you’d call me just to play me the new song you learned on guitar. All the times we stayed up way too late just to talk to each other on msn. The times I’d try not to cry to you when talking about my abusive father. The times I went to your band practise, the time Kyle said I was a distraction and it was now a guys only thing and you seemed so sincerely pissed and defended me, saying I had to be there, for you. The time Kyle said, “Are you going to the dance? Cause I know Jake wants to go with you! Oh shit he heard that, and now he’s gonna hit me!” The laughter and the nonstop smiles. When you and I shared a locker, your excuse was I always had too much trouble unlocking mine, I’m pretty sure we just wanted to be together. I can’t forget any of the lead up to when you finally forced me to tell you February 8 that I liked you, you asked what my 11:11 wishes were everyday and I finally said it was for you, and you said your wish was the same. I never understood why people said their heart skipped a beat until then. When you came over on the 12 and I lay on your chest, I asked if you still wished for the same things, and you said yes. We were so scared to make the transition from friends to more until on my birthday when you finally kissed me. February 24, I remember jumping and screaming with happiness in art class, all my friends hugging me. Everyone wanted us to fall in love. My birthday was perfect, our kisses in the park where I grew up, I came into your jacket to keep warm. And when we went to get my monroe pierced for my birthday and you held my hand. You said your day was perfect with me, and I said I’d never had a better birthday.
You asked me out a month and a day later. I told you I loved you on our three months. I remember when you picked me that flower, I remember every hangout, every promise you made. I can clearly see every text I locked on my phone, where you told me, “you’re gorgeous, and you will be for a long long looong time :)” or when I’d wake up to “Goodmorning babe:)” or “Hello beautiful :)”
I remember when you took me to your dad’s wedding, your step mom loved me, so did your mom. It was a perfect day, I’d never felt so in love. When you sat at the main table and I wished I could eat beside you, I joked with your cousin trying not to glance over my shoulder too much. You came and joined me the second you could for dessert. When we left after dessert and walked through the field, sat on the bleachers and kissed. When we found the exact middle of the field so we could kiss there, just every silly goofy moment my hands spent in yours, keeping warm. Oh and the way you held my thumb in because it always found a way to bump into your pocket. The days we spent “watching” shitty lame shows and MTV on demand in my basement, all the times we made juice but it never lasted long, the time we made a fort and you strummed our favourite songs on my hip as we cuddled. The time we made smoothies with Tara and Lucas, our double dates. The times we went to the beach and the park and you taught me how to skip stones. All the times I fixed your loose hairs, that smile you gave to me and me alone, the one that promoted the rumours at school that we were in love. The fact that you forced me to believe in my biggest fear of love and showed me that I really was worth something despite what my dad said,
at least for a while. We ended without reason, just a silly fight and maybe too much of each other, I always wonder if there was a real reason to it. And every single day and night I think and dread, wondering do you miss me at all, do you regret letting everything we had go? I want so badly to ask you, more than you’ll ever know. I don’t see you much, you don’t go to school much. All you do is get baked and ruin your life. Your phone’s been taking away so I can’t even text you anymore. I miss you so much. I don’t go on msn anymore, there’s no one I want to talk to anymore. I can’t go into my basement anymore because it all reminds me of you. I can’t listen to our bands our our songs, the ones you put on your iPod for me even though it wasn’t your kind of music.
I want to be in love with you again, I want you back more than anything. I lost the biggest part of me when I lost you, you were my first love and best friend I’d ever had.
More than anything, I just want my bestfriend back.
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More than anything, I just want my bestfriend back.
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