I bet you never expected to hear from me again. After all, we both knew that when you went back to...

I bet you never expected to hear from me again. After all, we both knew that when you went back to visit California you were saying goodbye for the last time. You promised me that you would call me in your layover in Colorado. You never did. I suppose in one way I was grateful, that way I wouldn’t hear your lustful voice over my phone again, thrusting me back into your grasp. In the other way, I was furious. The one last thing you said you would do for me, you failed me on. Again. I’m rolling my eyes as I type this. Why did I expect you to call??? Silly, naive little girl.

You broke my heart; but more then that, I let you. I accepted you into my life, into my mind, into my heart.

From the very first time that we met, at the first staff meeting. I still don’t know why I didn’t just bend down to do it myself, but there you were. You knelt down and put on my shoes for me, those damn slippery flip flops. You slid the left one on, then looked up at me through your eyelashes and said “You look very pretty today.” Then slipped on the right shoe, stood up, and walked away. I got into my car smiling like a little girl who got her first kiss. My mother asked what I was so happy about and I said “I just met the most genuine and chivalrous guy…I’ve never met anybody like him.” She looked at me out of the corner of her eye, tilted her head with a thoughtful expression, then put the key in the ignition and started to drive. Not a word was said about you for the rest of that month.

Staff training week down in Virginia, we reconnected. I saw you flirting with the other girls on staff, but those thoughts left my head as soon as you came around me. It was like you were my own personal drug; you got me on such a high whenever I inhaled your scent, your look, anything about you got me high.

The morning that you invited me to come watch the sunrise with you was one of the best mornings of my life…even though I feel the way I do towards you now, the feelings I felt that morning were some of the happiest of my life. We sat by the river, waiting for the sun that never DID show it’s face. We were stupid, forgetting that the mountains that surrounded us would shelter us from the first rays of light. It was unusually chilly that morning, and you were the only one that remembered a sweater. I started shivering so you pulled me close to your side and slipped your hoodie around my shoulders. I started to protest but you put your finger to my lips and shushed me, saying that it was fine, you were warm enough anyways. I smiled as we walked back into the campground, knowing that we looked like an item, coming out the woods with me wearing your sweater. Had I only been looking at you as we were walking and I would have probably seen you stepping a careful distance away from me as we neared the campsite, so that if anybody saw us they wouldn’t suspect a thing except that you were being nice in lending it to me.

A few more times throughout the week, you would show affection towards me. Holding me for just a little bit longer then necessary for a goodnight hug. Writing a little note to me in church on the bulletin saying that you liked my dress. 

You were SO sexy to me. So appealing.

Two nights before we left Virginia, was the 4 month anniversary of the death of one of my closest friends. I know you saw me crying as I walked away from the campfire to the cornfield. Your eyes followed me as I walked up the path away from the group. You chose to look away and instead flirted some more with ____. I needed somebody to hold me so badly that night. I sat out there for half an hour by myself waiting for the group to be done so that I could go back to my bed and sleep. It ended up being Einre that comforted me. She put her arms around me and let me cry and talk it all out. That should have been another red flag. You were uncomfortable with anything too emotional. Too close.

We started the journey home at 1 in the afternoon on Saturday. You were riding in Einre’s car and I was in the bus. I had fun, hanging out with the girls. But wait, hadn’t you just told me that you wanted to ride in the bus with me? Another red flag… So we drive. Four o’clock in the afternoon we stopped for gas and you switched places with someone in the bus. You sat in the front of the bus with our boss, making small talk and awkwardly laughing. Eventually you half-turned in your seat so you could be involved in the conversation behind you. I was in the back seat on the bus listening to my iPod and dancing as if no one was watching me. I opened my eyes to find you staring at me, and laughing with a surprised, happy expression. You grinned, and I sheepishly grinned back, knowing that you had been watching me for awhile.

Ten o’clock that night comes, and it’s dark. Too dark. It starts to sprinkle out, then pour. Soon it’s joined in company of lightening and thunder. You were resting in the isle way of the bus on the floor at that point. After a deafening clap of thunder, you picked your head up and made eye contact with me. I know my face was an expression of pure panic, for your face transformed into one of a protector. I was thankful that I had told you about my immense fear of storms a few days before that. You motioned for me to join you on the floor, and I gladly did. We sat side by side and you slipped your arm around me, using the other hand to rub my hand and your lips whispering in my ear that it was going to be okay. Eventually the storm let up a little bit, but by that time it was past midnight and we were both so tired. My initial fear had passed, and you could sense that. Your protector instinct left you; and you returned to the not-wanting-to-get-to-close guy. You got up and sat on the seat behind me, but once you realized that everybody else on the bus was asleep, you relaxed again and started playing with my hair. My eyes were starting to close so I asked if I could rest my head on your lap. You said “Of course.” I fell asleep there, and woke up to you tapping on my shoulder saying that we were home. The last thing in the world that I wanted to do was get up. If you made me feel high before, now I was on an overdose.

A few weeks later, we went to Chicago with a group of people on the staff to go to China town. We ate at a great Chinese restaurant and walked around. Einre (Who was driving us) wanted to go into a oriental store so we went in, but I realized about that time that I had to go to the bathroom SO badly. ha I guess I said it out loud, because I heard you say “Yeah, I have to go to. Let’s go find somewhere.” and I followed you out of the store and down the street to a little diner, just the two of us. It was the only place open on the whole street with a bathroom, and we were desperate, so we had to go in there. I pulled your arm back and said I didn’t want to go in just to use the bathrooms, so you told me to relax and play along. We walked in and the hostess greeted us with a smile. I heard you faintly say “Table for two, please.” and we followed her to a table near the back of the diner. I hissed to you that we shouldn’t be doing this, but you just reached back and squeezed my arm reassuringly. You knew that I tended to over-worry things… So we sat down and you told me to go find the bathroom, and when I came back that you would go, then we would leave. I laughed at your little plan, but did as you said. We both went, and then laughing, we told our waiter that an emergency had come up so we couldn’t stay, and walked quickly out. That was such a fun memory for me, because it was almost like a ten minute date, even though it was just to go to the bathroom. I was still so innocent in many ways.

Over the next month or so, we worked together, flirting occasionally, but I noticed you made sure to flirt with other girls in front of me so that I knew I had no claim whatsoever on you. You wanted to make it very clear that you were a free man. Somehow, in my blindness, I still thought you treated me differently then those other girls. More “special”. 

You didn’t. And I found this out by our lovely “friend”, who came to work hungover and with a loose tongue. That Tuesday morning shook everything I believed about you. Shook a lot of things that I believed about me. How could I have been fooled so easily again?

You had gone to a house where there was under-age drinking taking place. Three girls were there, and three guys. My best friend was one of the girls.You didn’t drink, as that would have been violating your probation head on. (Which you ended up doing, 1) Being out past curfew & 2) Being around people that are drinking underage). But you minds as well have been stupid drunk. You felt up _______, and tried to kiss her. You stopped, just in time, because you remembered that she had a boyfriend. I imagine that must not have been easy for you though. Looking at her, naked and shameless, and you, naked as well. You had to restrain yourself. From a girl that you supposedly didn’t even like as a person.

You carried her home that night. She was too drunk to function. You put your hoodie on her, the same one that I had worn at the lake, and carried her back to her house. You thought that nobody would find out, didn’t you. You thought you would be fine. Little did you know, my dear, that everybody in this little town talks. Nothing is secret. So eventually, word got around to our boss. Who fired the girl, but kept you employed. But you had to go to court because of your probation violations.

One of the worst things about finding all of this out on that Tuesday morning, was that the same night that you were doing all of this was July 4th. The night that WE were supposed to spend together at the beach. The night we were supposed to dance under the fireworks. But from some twist of fate, I was 2,000 miles away in Vermont with my family, while you were having the time of your life back home in Michigan. Wait, that’s right, back in my home. Because you refuse to call this place home even after years of living here. “California,” you would say, “is my home.” Ha. Alright.

The rest of the summer was bland for me. No more cute moments or happy times. Just filled with awkwardness as we avoided one another. You would sometimes say rude things to me that were completely uncalled for. But that was your guilt coming out, and trying to manipulate me into somehow believing that I was the one to blame. I wasn’t, and I’m so glad I never fell for that trick.

I slowly started to heal from that pain; but the problem was I was still so attracted to you. I still have never been attracted to anyone the way I was to you. So I made attempts to try and patch up our relationship little by little. On the final night of camp, August 4th, when everybody was packing up to leave the Howard, you put your arm around my waist and we walked out into the deserted hallway together. I asked “Am I ever going to see you again?” You answered “No, probably not.” That answer would have been fine, except after you said it in such a nonchalant tone of voice I know my face reflected so much pain and hurt. Hurt at having my heart strings pulled at just to have them pulled so tight and break. That was the final moment for me. My emotional walls came rushing up and I stepped away from you. I said “Fine then, that’s it.” Even as I said it, I could hear a question in my voice on the last word, as if waiting for some slight ray of hope or apology to come from you. You said “Yup.” That’s it. I waited for half a second longer before I turned around and walked away. You tried reaching for my arm but I shook you off and kept walking. I walked back into the auditorium, grabbed the car keys from my mom, and walked out of the building with my head held high. I remember the weather being really nice that day, and the sun was just beginning to set so the dark hue hid my tears. I sat on the hood of my car until my mom was done chatting with her friends, then we got in the car and started to pull out of the parking lot. Unfortunately, I realized that I was going to have to drive past you and your group of friends. I hit the gas peddle a little too hard, wanting to get out of there quickly, and ended up just barely missing my other friends car that was pulling out in front of me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling out curse words as I heard you say “Nice driving” from behind my open window. I kept my eyes pointed straight and turned down the road, hoping to escape from you as quick as possible. My mom kept asking me what was wrong, growing more and more frustrated as my tears got thicker with no explanation as to why. She finally made me pull over so that she could drive because my driving had become reckless with my blurred vision. I spent the rest of that night crying the hardest I’ve ever cried in my life.

Pain. Hurt. Heart-brokenness. Rejection. Sadness. Anger. Fury. Irritation. 
Just plain fed up.

Why I didn’t just block all contact from you right then and there, I still have no idea. I didn’t, and a few days later when you were getting ready to fly home to California for a visit before college started up again I found myself talking to you. The words were emotionless, cold. I was weary, and you didn’t care. You didn’t care what you had done, yet you had done so much.You said you were boarding your plane now, you had to go. But, you would call me when you got to Denver.

“Alright…I’ll talk to you then. Have a good flight.”

And that was it.

That’s where our story ended. I still checked up on you on Facebook from time to time, up until last night when I decided it was time to block you. To focus on what’s here in front of me. Writing this is my way of finally letting go to everything you have been in my life, but it is also my last wish for you;
to please never, ever, do this to another girl again. Because I can guarantee, karma will come back to bite you a lot harder then just a court hearing and a lecture from your boss. You mess with people, and eventually it will come back to get you. But just for the sake of another girls heart…don’t lead the next girl on. Or at least warn her that all you want is to flirt with her, maybe mess around, then leave her. No strings attached.

I sincerely hope you are able to grow up soon, You. Because 20 years old and still playing with high school girls hearts, It’s not very becoming. =]

So now I say, finally and forever;

Goodbye, California. If only your heart was as decent as your looks.

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