Oh, Lord.
I keep having them. Those nightmares. The ones where we’re back together and you care again. The ones where I mattered in your life. The ones where you weren’t lying and meant those three words. I wake up, my heart palpitating, drenched in sweat. I’m unaware of it, but I’m screaming. I hold tightly to my pillow and I start bawling. I can’t breathe, hyperventilating. I can feel heartbreaks. It hurts more than just a figurative sense. It literally aches, from my heart and travels through my limbs. Reaches the tips of my finger where the burn lingers. It actually hurts. It hurts and there is nothing that will stop the pain. No advil, no morphine. Weed is temporary. So is alcohol. So are people. So were you.
I constantly ask myself what happened, what I did wrong, why you feel the way about me. I beat myself up, day and night, night and day, slowly dying each time. I wallow in my sorrows, drown in my mistakes, rot in my thoughts. Every text message, every phone call, I hope it’s you. Calling to apologize for hurting me. Telling me all those bitches you’ve been talking to don’t amount up to what I am, who I am. I wait for you to tell me that all we had, everything we went through is something you will never forget. That you missed me. I hope it’s you calling to say baby, and you’re crying those sweet tears you’d shed when you’d hurt me.
I miss you. Can you tell?
by j-el