Part 9: http://fuckyeahhlove.tumblr.com/post/1347185675/the-pursuit-of-love-part-9
High School Junior Year 2006
I had a slight interest in this Dream Girl sophomore year. Whenever I got off the bus, I would always sit down in this one spot before homeroom. Her bus would come early so she would sometimes join me as I sat down and listened to music, playing solitaire on my Ipod. She would also greet me by kicking me and saying “hey”.
After my feelings for Jasmine were understood to be of another nature, I decided to take a different direction. During that semester, we—me and this Dream Girl—would have multiple classes with each other. I would constantly poke her at her side because she was ticklish. Very childish things even before I liked her. We of course talked online occasionally and sometimes over the phone. One day, I decided to confess to her. I know I’m going to get a lot of criticism for doing this all the time, but it was characteristic of me.
Somehow, I was able to talk to her immediately after school and later that night. When we were talking online, she told me that she was not interested in a boyfriend. Later that night, I was hanging with Jasmine and our other friends. asked Dream Girl if she had any feelings for me, to which she replied “I don’t know.”
Over the subsequent weeks, we would talk on the phone a lot—hours and hours. She did not mind at all. I was learning about her bit by bit, like her hobbies and about her personal life. I did not ask about her ex-boyfriends. One day, my friends got to meet this Dream Girl. For about ten minutes, I ditched my friends to talk to her. We walked around the mall and just talked. When we returned, we sat on bench next to each other. Jasmine smiled because of how cute I looked next to this other girl as I put my hand on top of hers. She felt kinda indifferent about a goodbye hug, to which I did not take much notice.
Jasmine said “Did TJ just ditch us for a girl?”
I had so much hope that she would come around as we continued talking, poking each other, and the little things she would do. She would love calling me a loser =P; once she wrote that word on my arm with Sharpe marker. To stop me from tickling her, she would grab my hands in a way that our fingers were laced, so my hand couldn’t move. There was a distinct warmth to her hands.
We also made a silly promise. If one of us got drunk, we would drunk dial the other. It would have severe consequences later on. On my birthday, she gave me a nice card with some pencils and a penguin because I told her that’s what I wanted for my birthday if I wanted anything. It was a combined effort with her friend, but she was the only one who wrote on the card. I gave her an A & E gift certificate. Gift certificates were the easiest gift for me because they didn’t come off as too strong.
High School Junior Year (2007)
On my friend’s birthday, my classmates (including her) and I all met up at a billiards place to play pool and we had a cake for the celebrant. Towards the end, she was on the phone with a mutual friend of ours. What I didn’t know was that he was another guy who liked her. I did not feel threatened because she would have told me about this. For her birthday, I decided to buy her a stuffed animal and I wrapped it up. I hated wrapping gifts and I noted that with an X_x. It was kinda like her favorite animal, but they didn’t have cute wolves. However, there were Huskies. She named it Slushy.
The day of her birthday, I sat in my normal spot and gave her the gift. I noticed that this other boy also brought her one. I don’t remember what it was, but I just dozed off like it was nothing. Now, this is where my heart shattered. Sometime that week, it clicked. She lied to me. She said she didn’t want a boyfriend and she was now going out with this boy. Because I was still very immature, I told her how mad I was at her and how I didn’t want to talk to her. It didn’t matter though because I still had to see her everyday.
Lesson 18
Severe insecurities are indications that you are not ready for a relationship
Regardless of the ending of this chapter, being insecure means that you cannot have a stable relationship. You can have a relationship, but I can only tell you what type of drama will ensue. Insecurities will lead to trust issues and constant anxiety. For a healthy relationship, you don’t need to put your guard completely down, but you should be able to open up bit by bit at a pace that you want.