The leaves are changing. It seems like only yesterday that they were green, barely budding. It also seems like only yesterday that you were holding my hand as we walked past the green bud, ignorantly, blissfully happy. As I walk, the crisp crunches of leaves only reminds me of one thing: absence. Your absence lingers in the huge gap you left me. The gap that I think other things can fill, but they’re never quite big enough to fill the space, and in the end, they seep out.
You were like heroine to me; the more I loved you, the more you destroyed me. You were addictive and you made me delirious. You made me think that you were all I needed. You made me believe you could give me all the happiness in the world. Holding your hand lit me up inside and out. I loved the way your fingers fit with mine, like a glove, a perfect fit. I loved how when you’d put your arm around me while we walked, or would hug me from behind, I felt so safe.
I loved how with a few words, or just a look at each other, we knew what we were thinking. We had all our inside jokes and it’s as if for the longest time, our brains were shared this esp. How bizarre.
I loved how I could tell you all my problems. I would call you crying because of what went on between my mom and I, and you’d be the one to make me feel better. You were there when Fred came to town and hurt me. You were there when thunderstorms were going on and I was scared.
Yesterday I found a folder in my email of all the things you made me during your junior (my sophomore) year. Crazy how things changed so much. We would email each other things during school, and you would always make me typography or write me a story or tell me how your day was going. You made me believe I was loved and that I could love you back.
What you don’t understand is I gave you all my heart. All of it, and now that you’re gone, I don’t have anything left. I’m dead and I’m numb.
So, so numb.
So dead.
Like the leaves that I stepped on today, dried to a crisp.
by j-el