I thought about ending it so many times since I got back, I tried to stop thinking about you and it failed, I tried to find a way to make it work and it failed, I tried a way to change my parents and it failed. It ended with me still talking to you, still seeing you, still wanting to hold your hand. When I see you, I want to hug you, want to tell you I still love you, want you to believe me when I say so. You might think that my thoughts change when I’m not near you, but when I’m not, I think about what you might be doing at that very moment, wondering if you think of me too.
I’m young, naive, silly, and stupid sometimes. I’ve done some pretty stupid shit in my life and I admit to my mistakes. Moving out at the spur of the moment was a mistake, a very large one. But in my 18 years of living, to choose between my parents and you, that was the hardest choice I made. Yes, we’ve only known each other for a year, but you managed to sneak your way into my heart and now made yourself a cozy place there, refusing to go. I can’t forget you and neither do I want to. Losing what I had taken for granted before made me realize how precious it was. When something is always there, you don’t notice how important it is til one day, it’s gone.
I regret the day I chose to abandon you, it wasn’t because of lack of love, it was because of fear. Then, I was unsure of my life, unsure of my feelings, unsure of your feelings, so I chose security. I hurt you badly not once, but twice, and continue to even now. You know that mantra? “If you love it, then set it free”? I tried that, didn’t work. Setting you free only made me jealous as I envisioned you with someone else, laughing with someone else, holding hands with someone else. Jealousy. Pure and simple jealous symbolizes that you still matter to me.
Now, I’ve changed. Just the simple shift of the mind, but I changed. Having experienced the tearing pain at your loss, I understood now. When you still stuck around even after all the things I put you through, I understood now. What we have wasn’t just a fleeting moment, it wasn’t just a infatuation. Letting you go before was something that my mind agreed to, but not my heart.
My sister asked me today, “if you had to choose between our parents and the love of your life, who would you choose?”
I answered simply. “I’d choose the love of my life.”
“Why”
And I said, “because, when our parents pass away from this life, I want to be able to share my sorrow, my happiness, the rest of my life with someone. I don’t want to be a lonely empty shell, wondering what I should do with my life now that they’re gone.”
She must have understood my feelings because all she said was “Hmm…that’s a good reason.”
It wasn’t a silly reason nor was it a unrealistic reason, it is simply a good reason. I’m writing this now in hopes that you’ll get my message, not the ones that I’ve sent before with my brain speaking, but this one that came from the heart.
I miss you. I love you. I can’t forget you. I want to see you. I want to hold your hand. The whole world can disapprove, but I can’t change this feeling. Perhaps my God will disapprove, but I want to tell him that love isn’t something you can deny. I tried it, and I know it doesn’t work that way.
I realized that even though my mentality has shifted, I still screw up sometimes and hurt you when I waver. I’m trying not to, it’s hard, but I’m still trying. So keep waiting for me please. Then one day, I can hold your face in my hands and tell you I’m yours.