I dont know what to think anymore, Love. In my mind there was something there, maybe not some sort of everlasting love, but there was some form of it there lingering between the two of us. I know now that maybe I was just delusional to think so.
The truth is, Love, I was always there for you, whether you thought you needed me or not… I loved you… Everything you said and did, I was always there defending you whether you were right or wrong and you always knew I would, is that why you were so lost when I moved across the country? Or were you as lost as you claimed you were?
Every day out there in the desert I thought of you, Love, every day at the hellhole I worked in, every day at that crummy school for thugs who dont actually expect to do anything with their lives, every day when I sat on facebook for hours hoping I’ll catch you on facebook after work so my day can be better… And I rarely heard from you… I guess it was both of us being stubborn and not texting people unless they text first, were both that way, but occasionally one of us would send a random hello and in this way it became a special thing… Was that intentional, Love? I missed you every day but did you really ever miss me?
When I came home for visits, you would put up a wall around us, no one else existed but me, I loved that. When we eould say goodbye, it was always with a two hour hug, honestly, one of them did last two hours, I remember it so well too, the lightning streaking throught the sky, your arms around me, my head resting on your chest, the way your heart beats a little faster than I think its normally supposed to (do I do that?).
Heres the catch ladies and gentlemen of the audience… Hes gay… Even so, it doesnt matter, I still love him more than anything. He met me at a strange time in my life when I had changed everything I was for a guy, a time when I was struggling to pick up the pieces to find who I really was. Thats when he unexpectedly fell into my life, he loved everything I had loved before I changed, he was a brilliant musician and a terrific actor, I never stood a chance against him. It took only two days for him to have me wraped around his finger, but unlike any guy I had ever known in my life, he told me I was perfect the way I am, he told me never to change, he would sneak up behind me and fling his arms around me, we were inseperable.
Not only did he help me find myself, but he taught me the most important thing you can learn in this life. That love is not being with another person in the romantic sense, its not perfumed roses and red wine kisses, not laying under the stars holding hands watching the night go by, its not even the “I love you”s and difficult goodbyes. Love is caring about someone more than you care about yourself, someone you would do anything for, someone you would fight for, someone you believe in, someone who will be there for you whenever you fall. Some days are harder than others, but I know that it doesnt matter that Im not the right gender for him, it doesnt matter that we will never be together. What does matter is that Ill always have him whether hes here with me or half way across the world, Ill always have him in my heart and he’ll always have me in his.
~anonymous
Blog- xconfessionsofabrokenheartx.tumblr.com
(signed as anonymous because this blog is seperate from my main blog, Im nameless on this particular blog)