he loves me: when it started-
when i met him, i was with another man. nothing would happen, till my heart was broken. how could we have known we’d be where we are now?
he took a natural spot as my protector very quickly. at parties, he’d never wander too far. when i entered the room, his eyes shifted to me immediately, and anytime after, you could always tell he was sensing my presence. he took care of me when i never asked to be taken care of. he was drawn to me… and i knew it scared him.
he loves me: we grew closer-
we began to see eachother more often, whether it be at our local party spot, his house, or mine. my feelings were growing stronger and that’s where it went downhill. it was obvious he liked me, possibly cared a little more for me than others, but something was holding him back. i let go a little. mistake. and other women were seen with him. how could i have thought i could change him from how he was in the past?
as most do, i pulled away when he went for me, knowing things i knew. this got to him. we argued constantly about our jealous and possessive ways, and how silly of us, when we weren’t even together. i offered a simple solution: say i’m yours, and you are mine. more arguments.
he loves me: something changed-
he couldn’t have a girlfriend. in no way, shape, or form could he have a girlfriend. broken heart. and oh, how he hated seeing me upset. he was going away to boot camp in the summer to come, and fought the idea of having someone back at home to worry about, but neither of us could let go. so time continued, and we were informally together. everyone knew us as “us”. oh, did i mention his contract was for recon? front line. a.k.a. very dangerous. yea.
he loves me: i’ve drawn a line-
time and time again, we’d have our talks. why couldn’t we just make it official? i knew it was stupid to want a label, but i wanted to show people i had someone who cared about me. i wanted to be able to say this is my boyfriend. but no. so enough was enough. if i couldn’t have him, i needed to draw a line. and countless lines were drawn and crossed, drawn and crossed. we still couldn’t let go.
he loves me: getting over you-
i drew my final line and ignored any feelings i had for him. soon, another man was in my life. we matched so well. but unfinished business was catching up with me, and i had to make a decision. before getting involved with my new man, he was informed of my last. somehow i think he knew it was coming.
i had one weekend to set things straight. it was now or never in my fed up mind. if he said no, id move on completely, and be happy with my upcoming relationship.
he loves me: October 15th<3-
sure i knew having him over would be bad, what with having another boy i was semi involved with and all. as we sat (not together) on my bed watching a movie, it was obvious he was fighting his feelings. he pulled me down to lay with him, and i’d give him a look. a why-are-you-putting-me-through-this look. he’d lean over to kiss me, and i’d cover his mouth. we had to talk.
and then i heard the words. such a boy way of putting it, but it was a big step just the same. “we can give it a try”. HOLY SHIT. **remember** this was someone not used to being in a relationship, just able to have “relations”…someone who said they couldn’t have a girlfriend. someone who was very unemotional, but poured with them at the same time. so yes, it was a big step.
he loves me: us-
our relationship was normal. went to parties together, exchanged christmas presents, birthday presents, he came to my formal dances, and we spent many nights laying in bed or in his car holding eachother. we couldn’t let go.
i’ll never forget one of the first nights after we became official. he was walking in front of me at our friend’s party when another man that had talked to me earlier stopped me. “you have a boyfriend?”. and immediately he turned to shake the random guy’s hand. “hey, that’d be me.” he said, and forever that moment replays in my head. how funny it was to see the man quickly step back.
more unforgettable moments included our talks in his car. we spent so many nights like that. this one in particular though, was sad. his grandmother had passed, and it was the first night i had ever seen him cry. and let me tell you, coming from someone that does not show emotion, it was another big step. no one ever sees him cry. but god, he is beautiful. i held him till 6am, when we finally fell asleep. we didn’t let go.
- - - - - - - - - -GO GET A DRINK OR SOMETHING! it’s gonna get better!- - - - - - - - - -
he loves me: shaky times-
god did we argue. isn’t it supposed to be the boy who chases the girl when she’s upset? he liked to make an exit when he was mad, often getting into his truck to leave. but he wouldn’t. i’d stand in the doorway with my arms crossed waiting for him to walk back up to the porch. or other times, i’d walk to the car, getting in quietly, and we’d start to drive.
but we definitely had our moments. any man that looked at me in that way would make him defensive. and i tried not to be the same way, but damn, some bitches there were around our town!
he loves me: number one bitch-
yes, she gets her own chapter, and she will come back in a later one! it was homecoming, and i had a gorgeous dress. oh, and thank god he could dance. but who knew my night would end with me actually feeling threatened? “lets move over here” she said to my best friend (guy friend) as they danced. “why?” he asked. “you see that boy? i’m trying to make him jealous” she replied. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH no. i was informed at the end of the dance, which made her very lucky. “She tried to make you jealous” i told him as we walked to his car. he laughed. “really? thats fuckin’ hilarious! we never did anything, she seems so innocent too!” i’m glad he got a kick out of it…later on at the after party, we were attached to eachothers hip. unfortunately, the night ended early, but we wanted to stay out. “i wonder if theres another party” he said as he pulled out his phone to text anyone asking. he scrolled through his contacts then highlighted her name and laughed, showing me. bad move. as he was typing a message, i glared and turned my head. ohhh boy did he get the signal. now tell me girls, that’s like asking for trouble, right?
he backspaced his message after realizing i had a serious hate for her, and he appologized. good boy. and the rest of the night went smooth.
he loves me: bring on the heartache-
i had never cried over someone so much. we had a few moments leaning towards a break up, and he even pulled the movie-bull-shit line “just don’t fall in love with me”, which utterly pissed me off. but we always managed to stay together. though months went on, and somehow we just stopped progressing. i asked him over one night, and i swear he knew what was going to happen. you could almost see him bracing himself.
time was going fast, and it wasn’t too much longer till he was leaving for boot camp. we both knew it wasn’t going to work when he left, and i felt it was better to stop ahead of time, to ease the pain away a little every day, rather than suffer with a full-blown broken heart as soon as he leaves. more tears. from him, not me. you see, i’m the kind of girl who will cry once, and only once. it will hit me when i least expect it. and for some reason, it wasn’t then. though both upset, we knew it had to be. we laid in bed for a couple hours, then got in the car and drove off. my eyes became watery, and he reached for my hand. he didn’t let go.
he loves me: we need to stop-
OH, here’s where number one bitch comes in again. school was nearing the end. we had broken up, but were still very attached. “hey kaitlin…you guys broke up?” my best friend (the guy one) had asked me… … … i hadn’t even told anyone right away… … …”who told you?” no reply. “WHO told you?” “don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal.” so i started to walk away. a few steps, and he called me back “alrighhttt! well sh-” and as soon as he pronounced the word ‘she’, i knew exactly who it was. her name came out of my mouth leaving a bad taste behind. “she said they were talking online about how he’s leaving before her birthday.. said they were gonna hang out. shes the one who told people you guys broke up.” BITCH, RIGHT? don’t worry, i wasn’t about to let him off on that either. a text conversation followed with some angry words said by me, and calm, reassuring words by him. “i knew she was gonna make that a big deal. she asked to hangout once before i left, i was missing her birthday. i wouldn’t do anything kaitlin, i wouldn’t want to hurt you like that” and then he killed me with “i’ll tell her i can’t hangout with her then if it makes you uncomfortable”. awesome. i’m now the jealous ex. but hey, i won(;
but it wasn’t good. doing things on my own seemed harder now. anywhere i went, someone always asked “where is he?”. continuously being associated with him just made things bad. but being somewhere and having him show up was worse. just like old times. oh, how quickly we can fall back into our original roles. multiple times i’d still end up leaving parties with him, always waking up next to his face in the morning. god i missed that.
but i was done. angry, even. why should i keep teasing myself? if i could not call myself his, then i could not be his at all. and back came the lines i had to draw. we know how well they worked last time. and many times, these lines were broken again. so many times i tried to catch myself before he’d make me fall again. but let me tell you, you can never catch yourself from falling in love. you either hit the floor hard, or fall into the arms of who tripped you.
one morning we were at his house before i had to leave for work. i felt a kiss on my neck. no. i felt a kiss on my cheek. no. i felt a kiss on my lips…no. and i meant no. not too much sooner did he get up and say he was taking me to work. silence. in the car i turned “you’re really going to do this right now?” and he reached for my hand. after enduring a 15 minute silent car ride, i stepped out and shut the door. little did i know, he was fighting a battle in his head the whole way.
he loves me: follow me-
“sorry you didn’t have as much fun as you intended” i sent in a text. “kaitlin, it’s not that. it’s just the whole situation.” ignored. 30 minutes later “when you’re more established, and im stationed somewhere, we will see what happens. but i don’t do long distance relationships.” well what the hell was that supposed to mean…i had college. he had schooling too. how would that work? “i’ll just say it then…it would mean you’d come live with me eventually, or finish school around where i am. but it would be about a year or two. just something to think about”. but i couldn’t promise something like that…how did i know if i would even be single? how would i still know him? it was soo much to take in.
- - -GO TO THE BATHROOM OR SOMETHING! it’s about to become amazing! - - - - -
he loves me: this is it-
another fight. neither of us could take it anymore. we had hit the bottom. we couldn’t be apart, but couldn’t be together, and it was tearing us both down. after getting ready for my weekly routine of wednesday night bowling and karaoke with the friends, i hopped online, and there he was. “are you going bowling tonight with everyone?” i asked. “no..” “well why the hell not? what could you possibly be doing on wednesday night when you’re out of work and you’re done with school?” i replied. “if i go, im gonna want you to leave with me. or i’ll just be sitting there all unhappy and i wont have fun.” he said. i almost cried. “so what, you can’t see me at all? you’re leaving soon……we both know we don’t want you leaving without seeing eachother again…” a tear ran down my cheek. “i don’t know.” i read. and then i heard a honk outside, my ride. we said goodbye.
he loves me: there is hope-
coming up shortly is one of my favorite parts of the story. some may say its cliche, but if it ever happens to you, you’re lucky<3.
we hadn’t talked in almost a week. not even online or a text. i had just gotten to my friends house, who had been in new york for months, when i heard them ask me where he was. they were good friends after all, so he should’ve been there. “d’s back from new york having a party here…i think you should atleast see him.” i texted… no response. a phone call… no answer. finally, my cell buzzed. “i’m coming soon. don’t tell him.”. so i didn’t. in fact, i went and laid down on the couch with half a drink left, and fell asleep. next thing i knew, i felt a hand on my back and heard his voice say “come with me..i have something for you at my house”
he loves me: just hold onto it-
we pulled up to his house and he woke me up from my nap. we had to be quiet cause it was very late, so we tiptoed up the stairs and he gently shut his bedroom door. i immediately went to lay on his bed. my side. it felt so familiar, and i closed my eyes. i felt his weight on the bed, and he spoke. “wait one second”, my eyes were still shut and i felt the bed shift as he reached for something on his shelf. in seconds, i felt the coolness of a metal slide onto my right hand ring finger. my eyes opened fast, and on my finger was his class ring. the ring with it’s bright yellow stone (yes, yellow..ew) set with battle rifles inside it, and our school’s name and his name engraved around it, fit perfectly. (he has skinny fingers). you couldn’t name anyone who would have been able to stop me from crying. “just hold onto it while i’m gone” he said, studying it on my hand. and he held me the rest of the night, not letting go. *cue the ‘aawwwwww’ from the audience*
over the next few days i would wake up, not used to feeling this object around my finger. defintely not used to it. but as time went on, i found it more odd to not have it on when i woke up. in fact, if it wasn’t on, i would have a little attack when i woke up till i found it in the sheets, lost from the middle of the night from slipping off my finger.
- - - - - - -YAYY. but he still has to leave. so take a break and come back!- - - - - - - - -
he loves me: it gets harder-
it was around that time. the days grew shorter, but we were constantly together, though again, not formally. i grew closer to his mother, a necessity to allow me to stay at his house all those times. i kinda just disregarded my mothers rule, and she let it slip on multiple occasions. but she didn’t argue on May 30th. his last night home, he spent at my house. when he pulled up, walking to the door, he held out the bear i gave him and the cologne i bought him. more things to hold onto while he was gone. the next morning was odd. he had cried the following night, and i couldn’t cry at all. we had our goodbye, a hug and kiss, and i watched him drive off. and i was fine…i was fine? i sat on the couch watching tv, cuddling the bear and taking in his smell that i loved so much. we texted over the next couple hours, nothing big. then DING, my cell buzzed, and on the screen i read his final message. “leaving for the airport. my cell is staying here. stay safe, love you.” and thats when it hit me. a hard smack in the face. his last text turned me into a massive sobbing mess. i kept playing our song, my eyes were so red by the time i was done, all i wanted to do was sleep. i held onto that bear every night, i wouldn’t let go.
he loves me: the first letter…and another first-
my god, how excited i was to recieve mail from him. i opened it fast, reading every line carefully…you know how boy handwriting can be. and then i stopped and read slowly. “i miss you so much it hurts. you’re such an amazing person, and i’m so happy to have you in my life. i love you so much.” *cue another ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww’ from the audience*
many of the letters after that said the exact same words, all kept in a nice little box. and he wouldn’t come home til the end of August, for 10 day leave.
he loves me: my summer-
the rest of my summer was dramatic. gained friends, lost friends, did stupid things, had a blast, smiled all day, and cried every night. but one thing was for sure, i missed the hell out of him! his mom and i kept in touch as well. but of course, as my luck would have it, he would end up graduating boot camp and coming home the exact same day my dad had booked my flight to florida for vacation. 7 days out of the 10 he was home, i was what felt like another million miles away from him.
he loves me: last tuesday, September 7th, 2010-
after spending his last 3 days with him, living at his house, sleeping by his side, enjoying nice dinners, and sharing laughs, and long random hugs in the kitchen, we had to say goodbye. his parents drove us to the airport, where he would leave at 3:30pm to fly to the other side of the country for training. “zone 4” the speaker announced. “zone 4 now boarding”. my heart SANK. i fought so hard to hold back tears. he hugged his father, his mother, then turned to me. i looked in his eyes and hugged him hard. “i love you. stay safe.” i said, choking back tears. “i love you too.” he replied, and kissed me goodbye.
so my heart is in cali. it’s a perfect relationship in an imperfect situation. but i’m strong enough to make the best of it. distance means soo little when someone means so much. we’re not letting go<3
some may say you can’t fall in love when you’re young. but it’s different for everyone. who are you to say you cannot love at 16, 18, 20…it’s just because you may not have experienced it. and if you have, you will agree theres no greater feeling in the world.
this is my story. thank you for reading!